State Og Update: 08.02.03
State Og: We're Pretty Big.
State Og is an innovator among a sea of lifeless and unoriginal corporations. We were the first to institute Insta-Pay, the employee payroll system that literally steals your wallet and kicks you down a flight of stairs. We were also the first corporation to hire oft-neglected minorities such as three year old children to work in our coal mines, despite the fact that we don't have any use for coal. So sleep safely dear customers, for State Og will continue to innovate and lead the world... somewhere. Thanks this week go to: Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (the real first man on the moon), and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (went ahead of Elcybergoth to take a picture), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (claims that Vengeance Otter was fake, made in a California movie studio).
State Og Sale!
It's August once again, and that means it's time for State Og's annual clearance sale! All our least popular products are priced to move, even if they're already moving! Come down to State Og-owned Uncle Shad's Discount Hodown now and save save save!
Incredible bargains are lurching around every corner, like a horde of mindless zombies craving brains! Run, don't roll to Uncle Shad's now and score bargains by the bushel! Choose from a fine variety of quality cast-offs such as:
Barrel O' Spines: Each barrel comes packed to the rim with genuine human spinal columns, twitching spastically while suspended in green ichor! Who wouldn't enjoy that?
Devil Lego: Equal parts stimulating toy and powerful connection to dark powers, the possessor of this set will be able to build anything, as long as it isn't pure.
Gang of lurching zombies: Surprisingly common! Surprisingly uncontained!
Acid Wash Cats: Fresh from the 80's, these adorable little creatures were our attempt to cash in on a fad. Little did we know that as much as cats hate baths they REALLY hate baths in acid. Live and learn!
Bibles: To be honest, we thought hiring Hunter S. Thompson to spice the Good Book up a bit was a great idea.
Self-Cleaning Diapers: Your life will never be easier once you buy a diaper that periodically launches its contents halfway across the city!
Swing down to Uncle Shad's today and catch deals so amazing that they'd make a woman stop her cheatin' ways! Just kidding; whores will whore.
10 Million Strong and Growing
It's never too early to promote good health. That's why our gaggle of LSD-addled pre-med dropouts from the seventies made sure this amazing product made it to stores, no matter what every licensing board and high-priced lawyer in the world tried to do about it. Thanks to their efforts and a long, bloody campaign of car bombings and wet towel-whippings, Baby's First Estrogen Tablets are available now! Help your child on the road to a healthy body by supplying them with massive doses of feminine hormones as early as possible. Baby's First Estrogen Tablets dissolve really well in milk, so there's no reason not to feed them to a newborn and watch the magic happen! In all our years of cramming things into baby's mouths we have never seen results quite like this! Growth rates shoot up astronomically, little baby voices become big baby voices and sexy parts grow where no sexy parts belong! What's more, your child's bones will be incredibly strong, and possibly malformed! By "malformed" we of course mean "totally awesome" and not "grotesque and life threatening".
Still not convinced? Perhaps it's time to point out the State Og advantage: every Tablet contains more hormones than the entire cast of Degrassi Junior High back before Wheels got busted for trafficking human organs! That means value! As your child transforms into a misshapen yet perversely feminine mass of flesh you'll rest easy knowing that you're raking in the savings!
Pick up a bottle of Baby's First Estrogen Tablets today and start on the road to a better, stranger tomorrow!
There is a lot we can learn from other countries. We at State Og, for example, like to model our business decisions after past actions taken by North Korea’s current government. This probably explains why we like to test new missiles we develop for the military by firing prototypes towards or over Japan, even though there is really no compelling reason for us to do that.
Back in 1993, when the United States government secretly offered to pay us 90 billion dollars on the specific condition that we stop researching how to build a doomsday device, we saw this as a prime opportunity to take a large sum of money by simply saying we would comply with the straightforward request NOT to do something. (Of course, we covertly kept the project going.) As a result of their generosity, we would like to take a moment to express our gratitude to the government of the United States, because if it weren’t for them we probably would have had to stop all doomsday device-related research and development a couple years ago due to fact that, until their infusion of cash, we really didn’t have enough money available to keep investing in an insanely expensive project like this.
Despite a few setbacks, such as our many ever-so-feisty teams of sanity-challenged scientists constantly stealing expensive equipment, prototype doomsday devices, and entire doomsday device factories, we’ve finally managed to get our production facilities up and ready to churn our not only the highest quality doomsday device ever to hit the market, but the most affordable. Soon even the poorest jaded lover, disgruntled employee or doomsday cult member will be able to buy one of our doomsday devices, and we’re so confident in the superior craftsmanship of our product that State Og salesmen will give a free demonstration to any potential buyer interested in making sure our doomsday devices really can destroy the earth, like it says on the box.
Yep, we just have to unlock a couple doors and push a few buttons to get the fully automated assembly lines started and we’ll be mass-producing 1,200 of these babies a day, ready to be delivered to our many retail outlets worldwide. Of course, if all the nations in the world willingly agree to hand over 15% of their Gross National Product on an annual basis, I think we could manage to lose the keys to several of our secretly located doomsday device factories. For 30% we might even stop development on our project that involves discovering how to travel back in time and stop the Big Bang from occurring. Hell, for 45% we might even keep our promises.
Burt's Safety Plans
Our man Burt's back this week, with a tip that's sure to be vaguely related to safety. Unless it's not.
Burt's Safety Plan #4
"Always wear a seatbelt, even when you're not in a car. Sure you'll be ridiculed and possibly shot, but think about it. Should the Earth stop spinning, hurtling the Earth's population into the stratosphere to certain death, you'll be screwed just like everyone else. Except you'll have a seatbelt on."
- State Og Representative