State Og Update: 12.13.02
Og For All, and For All a Good Og!
It's another day in some week of a month! You know what that means... get ready for an exciting State Og update, the only global corporation not afraid to "tell it like it is" and "drop that zero and get yourself a hero." A special thanks goes out to Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Lake of the Great Satan, Kansas), Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck (The Neutral Zone, 44th Alpha Quadrant), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (America City, Canada), and Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Seattle, Washington).
A Friendly Reminder
We'd like to remind everyone that the week starting January 5th has been declared "Stay Inside Week." Blurry pamphlets have been mailed out to the entire population of Earth in order to properly prepare everyone for this exciting evenT. We also took the original text of the pamphlet and ran it through a Japanese translator, then back into English just to make it that much more informaconfusitive. Also, Betsy Grable from our Department of Denial and Misinformation photocopied her ass for the back cover, which we covered in a powder that hilariously irritates skin to the point of bleeding, and then keeps burning for days.
In case you don't read the pamphlet, either because you can't understand it or your extremities have suddenly begun to burst in blood while casting off skin and muscle, here are a few highlights to prepare you for Stay Inside Week.
Paint Your Windows Black - This will keep you from seeing outside and to keep sudden flashes of radiation from blinding your family. What are we doing out there? Nothing really. Celebrating. Yes, we're celebrating.
Don't Flush the Toilet or Use Water - During the week, we may or may not be infesting drainage pipes with very angry experimental aquatic cockroach / scorpion crossbreeds. When they get out of hand and attack us, their masters, we will be forced to fill the water pipes with jet fuel and incinerate them. You might want to cover your faucets, drains, and toilet actually. Oh yeah, and your air conditioning vents too.
Loud Noises Are Just Your Imagination - While we're outside doing nothing really important at all, you may think you hear thunderous crashes, bursts of automatic gunfire, the screams of innocent, and what you'd expect an alien craft to sound like but a thousand times as haunting. Remember, none of this is happening. Play some more "Scrabble," or our very own "Monopoly: Mess With Your Grandparents Edition."
Do What the State Og Shock Troopers Ask - During your week of fun, relaxation, and defecating in the closet, our friendly shock troopers might come knocking on your door or kick it in. We ask that you do as they wish or you and your family might risk the Drano Treatment, a warm tradition of this ages old holiday. We may need to acquire your virgin teenage daughters, lumber to fashion into stakes in order to fight back the horrific vampire demons we somehow released in a dark ceremony, or some sugar. So please be friendly and don't make direct eye contact with our troopers!
At the conclusion of Stay Inside Week, you may experience temporary confusion if we decide to let you out. This could be because your house was relocated to a new continent, you haven't seen the sun in seven days, or because the sky is now an entirely different color. Also, humanity may or may not have a new emperor whose visage is at once both shocking and indescribable. Be prepared for years of slave labor, carrying heavy stones to erect shrines and / or mile high replicas of grapefruit. Then again, you could simply step outside of your front door to find all well with the world, aside from your daughters being taken away never to return, and the ashes of our enemies lingering in the atmosphere, slowly choking you to death. In fact, that's what's so great about Stay Inside Week: you never know what will happen! Well, one thing you can be sure of is... oh wait, we can't tell you that! Get in the holiday spirit and start painting those windows, you foolish humans!
State Og Makes Learning Fun!
There's nothing more precious to give your child than the gift of knowledge. However, taking them out to the desert to see that ripening body just isn't enough in this hurdy-gurdy modern world, and you have to wait for them to turn thirteen before you can take them on that very special trip to Tijuana. What to do in the meantime? Telescopes will just be used to spy on the neighbor girl, and why should your kids have all the fun when you pay the bills? You really don't want to know what your adolescent will be looking at with a microscope, but let's just say that afterward it'll just go into the closet to gather dust. Chemistry sets, a mainstay of educational gift-giving, may seem like the perfect gift to exercise your child's flabby mental muscle, but in fact your kid will not learn valuable skills like making methamphetamine and untraceable transdermal poisons. What a ripoff!
That's why we had our boys in the lab create the premiere educational gift of the new millennium - Uncle Earl's "Splice of Life" Genetic Engineering Playset. Ever wondered what happens when you cross a dog with a cat? Or a dog with a monkey? Or a common household raisin with a deceased 20th century dictator whose semen your grandmother had a mason jar full of? Well wonder no longer, although we do strongly recommend that you don't try that last one; we've never done it but can tell you it's probably a bad idea anyway. All you need is a well-ventilated workspace away from the prying eyes of federal law enforcement and some genetic material and the Splicotronicom 2200, included with your purchase.
Some helpful hints on making your Genetic Engineering X-perience X-treme - to the MAX!
No one will notice if a couple of winos disappear, nor will they connect them to the wailing in your basement.
Creating a new Super Race is fun, but it'll invariably be crushed by the Mole People of Aramathog like the last dozen or so have.
If you trap people on an island and crossbreed them with animals, make sure to have them spayed and neutered.
Cloning yourself for sexual purposes is not advisable, but oh boy is it hot! Proceed at your own sexy risk.
You can alter your own genes to give yourself super strength and laser breath, but there are many unfortunate side effects, including ear leakage and flagrant homosexuality.
You'll never have to sneak a sniff of those dry-erase markers again if you create a strain of broccoli that makes you high as a kite, and you'll finally get your mother off of your back until you can figure out how to negate the "screaming ugly bitch" gene.
With proper use, the "Splice of Life" Genetic Engineering Playset can provide hours of entertainment both in and out of federal prison, and a lifetime of loyal servitude from hellish monsters spawned from a bubbling test-tube and the loins of a missing hobo. Play safe, kids, and play smart with Uncle Earl's "Splice of Life" Genetic Engineering playset.
Gimme Some Of That Ol’ Time Religion
Here at State Og headquarters we’re in a frenzy of religious fervor because we just realized we can save big bucks in tax exemptions by becoming a religious organization. Instead of taking the traditional route of making our own religion up and going though all the tedious work of creating some form of dogma and whatnot, we’ve decided to simply embrace some old religion nobody follows anymore. So, after a superficial amount of research, we’ve decided on reviving the Indian cult of "Thuggee." Before being completely wiped out by British colonial forces, followers of this cult enjoyed befriending lonely travelers and spending days helping them on their long journey, only to later betray and strangle them to death with a yellow silk scarf. Afterwards, the victims' money and valuables would be divided up and a share would be tithed to the vengeful goddess Kali... everyone was a winner!
What does all of this mean for you? Well if you’re a State Og employee, this means you now worship the goddess Kali who holds dominion over all destructive forces and life’s inevitable conclusion. Please report to the nearest field office and pick up your scarf. If you’re not an employee, this means value. Value! VALUUUUEEEEE!!! Since we’ll be saving literally tons of cash by not paying taxes, we’ve got no choice but to pass the savings on to you, the consuming public! Just look at the exciting new services we’re now providing.
Try our new airline service, Kali-Air. We’re the only airline that doesn’t care how much luggage you want to bring. In fact, why not bring all your portable worldly possessions with you on your next trip? The more items you bring, the greater the chance you run of being put on a separate flight from those objects, one that travels to a completely different destination!
We now give out frequent flyer miles to anybody who kills a British person!
We’ll be arranging a new carpool service. Just let us know where you live, what time you need to be picked up, and estimate how much time would have to pass before someone considers you to be missing.
When traveling, come stay at one of our luxurious Thuggee Inns. We always make sure that our staff members (hospitality-engineers) outnumber our guests by a ratio of at least seven-to-one, which ensures an unprecedented level of service. You can always recognize our hospitality-engineers by their cheerful smile, distinctive silk scarf, and eagerness to massage your neck.
We’re practically giving these services away, folks. Take advantage of these offers now, before we start getting hassled by groups like the FAA or the British Empire. Once this happens, we may be forced to raise prices to pay for legal fees and increased ammunition expenditures. But don’t worry, no matter what the cost, State Og will fight to defend your right to save!
State Og Mailbag
If you’re misguided enough to get your daily news from any media outlet other than the State Og News Network, you may have an unfair and distorted image of State Og. We would like to remind everyone of our altruism and benevolence by occasionally printing letters from real people who have written us after seeing the good work State Og does. We also want to give out a FRIENDLY REMINDER to all our pals in the deceptive media by stating that the First Amendment doesn’t grant you or your property any protection against fire. Also, if you work for a news agency in a county without a First Amendment, you’re probably extra flammable.
Dear State Og:
Before my encounter with your kind agents, my life had hit rock bottom. Though I’m well educated and I was once a successful mongoose salesman, the market dried up and I was soon out of work and homeless. Abandoned by my family and friends, the only thing on my booze soaked brain was deciding how I should end my sad, sad existence. I was torn between jumping off a building and jumping off a bridge.
One day I couldn’t handle it any longer and in an act of desperation I ran to the nearest Scientology shop for help, where I was immediately administered a personality test. After I was done, the nice man there went over my results and cheerfully suggested I choose the bridge option.
As I somberly marched off towards the nearest highway overpass, I approached one of my city’s TV studios, where the local news is produced. It didn’t take me long to realize smoke and fire was beginning to shooting out of the building’s windows. Heralded by the sound of automatic gunfire, several men swarmed out of the soon to be ruined structure. As they turned around to gauge the situation, I saw the insignia on their Kevlar vests: State Og Department of FRIENDLY REMINDERS. Just then, a dozen police cars converged on the area, and soon the air was filled with passing bullets. Paralyzed with fear, I stood perilously in the middle of the shootout. Just when I thought I was a goner, one State Og man threw down his flamethrower, grabbed me, and began to drag me to safety. My memory is hazy about what happened, but it’s clear to me that this man’s selfless act revitalized my faith in humanity, and in myself. I have him to thank for my newfound spirituality, positive perspective, and realizing how much I truly love life.
Afterwards, some witnesses claimed the State Og agent wasn’t pulling me to safety at all, but using my limp body as a shield against police bullets, as he returned fire and hotwired the car that he and his cohorts would use to escape the scene. They also claimed that my foggy memory was probably due to the brutal pistol whipping they claim I received. With my new optimistic outlook on life, I find it hard to believe such cynical statements about a fellow human being. I’m sure all the gunplay that night was due to some simple misunderstanding. The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m here today thanks to State Og, and for that I’m thankful.
Thanks for the kind words, Mike! We’d really like to send a letter thanking you, but it probably wouldn’t mean much to you, with you recently becoming dead and all. We must inform everyone that Michael Schuster passed away last night. Mysteriously, he died in yet another freak accident involving exploding cybernetic cobras, which now seem to be plaguing all witnesses of the event Mike described in his letter.
Rest in peace, Mr. Schuster. We would send our condolences to your family, but since we already know they didn't like you, we’d rather not waste our time or stationery.
You'll Never Be Lonely With State Og!
Did the loneliness of everyday life, and the realization that it will only get worse ever drive you to the point where you just wanted to end it all? Have you ever been so low that you wanted to take your own life, but after a tear drenched night, you forgot all about it and faced the day anew?
That's where State Og comes in, with our special Suicide Helpline! As our newest public service, we'll be randomly calling people to remind them just how pathetic they are until they pull that trigger, cinch that noose, or cut open their abdomen and shove a starved mongoose right in there. Unlike one of those random telemarketer calls, we actually do research on every person we call, so that we can beat you over the head (figuratively, and in some cases literally) with your problems. Problems such as:
Inability to hold a relationship
That extra weight you put on, like you're some kind of hideous and stupid bear about to hibernate, fatass
The fact that you write for a humor website
No one likes you
God actually hates you
There is no God
He still hates you
Not only that, but once we place a call, we don't give up until you give up. You can try blocking our number or unplugging the phone, but that won't work. In fact, that just lets us know it's working! We'll come to your house and shout into megaphones (the cool ones with the built in siren sound) to talk you into committing suicide like you know you want to. While we're there, we'll project movies of you in the shower for the world to see! Nothing in the world would want someone to die more than knowing their entire neighborhood saw their small wrinkly penis / saggy breasts / freakish second nipple / all of the above. In extreme cases where talking, embarrassing, and flat out taunting don't work, we'll have no choice but to send in our Assisted Suicide Squad to commit your suicide for you. All of this at no cost! It's just State Og's way of putting our cold, dark hand on the world's shoulder and squeezing painfully, reminding you that you will never escape our amazing products and services.
A Few Clarifications..
It has recently been brought to our attention that several products have been mislabeled due to errors in our visual marketing department. We have produced this list to comply with a recent court ruling.
Children's Activity Kit:
The kit's label currently has the following listed as it's contents.
1. 24 crayons
2. 100 sheets of paper
3. Safety scissors
4. 100 Stickers
The materials should have read as:
1. Face melter
2. Instruction manual
3. Face melter refill pack
4. One free ticket for the purchase of "Requiem for a Dream"
My First Genocide Kit:
The label currently reads: "Not for children under three."
The label should read: "Not for children under four."
Snake Bite Treatment Kit:
The product should be labeled: "Snake Bite Creation Kit."