State Og Update: 09.20.03
It's time for another edition of State Og, the only corporation compassionate enough to endorse the "Bulldozers for the Blind" charity. Thanks this week go to Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (performs all his own stunts), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (has a look-alike write all his material).
State Og Saves California
Everyone knows the state of California is deeply in debt. Its coffers (once stuffed with money) are now leaking badly, much like a State Og brand Colostomy Bag. Well, we want in on some of this leaky action. State Og has the smart solutions to stimulate California’s ailing economy, unlike the current leaders of the state, who have the collective intelligence of an old Dig Dug arcade machine. And to be honest, if it were possible to solve all of California’s problems by simply over-inflating them with a bicycle pump until they pop or by digging holes in the ground, we still wouldn’t trust members of its government to do it right.
Below are just a few of the projects we are proposing to the state of California to get tourists to visit, businesses to set up shop, and to help citizens regain faith in their local government.
Proposal One: Monsters. Just ask the Scottish and they’ll tell you; in Scottishese, “monster” translates into “big tourism bucks!” Just look at all the money they rake in from tourists trying to catch a glimpse of the Loch Ness Monster. California can do this too, but first they need a monster worthy of attracting tourists and State Og is willing to sell them one! For a special time-limited offer, we can even kill two birds with one stone by providing a monster and eliminating competition for tourists by transplanting the Loch Ness Monster into Lake Tahoe. We really wouldn’t mind doing this. Those Scots have been behind on their payments anyways.
Proposal Two: New “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Child Labor laws. This should be self-explanatory. If it makes it easier, try not to think of them as young kids working in factories to generate profit for a company, but young tax payers working in factories to help pay off that state deficit!
Proposal Three: All Police Departments and Prostitutes in the State Should be Consolidated into One Organization. In many communities, the relationship between police and the citizens they protect are strained and there is a lack of trust. But with our plan, California can engorge the citizenry with faith in its leaders and tensions can be released. Even the most angst-ridden anarchist wannabe will adore his or her local police force when they realize that, dollar-for-dollar, you can't beat the affordable love that the men and women in blue can provide.
As drunk as we were when we brainstormed for these proposals, we honestly think our suggestions are California's only hope for financial recovery within the next ten years. Seriously.
Burt's Safety Plans
As any longtime State Og reader should know, Burt Reynolds is our esteemed public safety spokesman. Here's how it goes: Our man Burt drops by with advice from time to time, you remember it, and hopefully live a little safer. What have you got for us this week, Burt?
Burt's Safety Plan #6
"If the situation ever arises where you find yourself in a closet with a crazed grizzly bear, stay calm and heed my words. Grizzly bears are cunning and unpredictable animals, so there's a science to dealing with them. Following this first step EXACTLY as I describe it is key to your survival, so pay close attention: Leave the closet immediately."
Learning From Mistakes
While the majority of State Og's ideas go on to become major successes, there are some ideas that are destined to fail horribly from the moment of inception. In order to understand our mistakes and keep from making them again in the future, we're going to take a look at State Og's worst ideas. Here then, are the top products which just really shouldn't have been made, and what we can learn from them.
How To Steal Any Book In Six Easy Steps Which You Can Learn While Casually Leafing Through This Book In The Bookstore: The Book - I honestly have no idea why this one failed. We're hoping the paperback version will fare better.
Uncle Sticky's Crotch Glue - Where to begin? On paper, the idea was perfect: create a rubber cement for crotchal use with more adhesive power than anything on the market. Customers would finally be able to permamently attach themselves to their keys, children, and houses. Amazingly, the product didn't sell very well at all. Why? Vast right-wing conspiracy, that's why.
1/2 Scale Highly Detailed Model of the State of Iowa - In retrospect, a model of Iowa at this size was a horrible idea. We really should have gone with something smaller, like Rhode Island.
Peanut Butter for Ugly People - Customers didn't want to buy this item because of the humiliation they'd invariably receive at the checkout line. We've certainly learned our lesson, and will be relaunching the same product as Peanut Butter For NOT Ugly People *wink* next month.
Toastie, The Toaster That Screams When You Use It - This one's completely my fault. One of our scientists was excitedly explaining the concept to me at a wild party where I was surrounded by all these raisin bagels and loose women... and I just got carried away. I awoke the next morning with a film of dried cream cheese around my mouth, and a deep shame for what I had done.
I Can't Believe It's Not Gasoline - With this product, we became the first company to achieve the impossible: create a synthetic fuel with all the flavor of gasoline, but absolutely none of the energy-producing qualities. Unfortunately, our hotlines were flooded with complaints such as "I want my car to actually run", "no one even drinks gasoline", and "no wait, it's still me. I'm trying to make another call, you have to hang up. -click, then a long pause followed by dialing sounds- What... you're still here? Jesus, just leave me alone! Hang up already!"
By taking these examples to heart, I believe we can better serve our customers in the future. That sounds pretty important, so I'll have to make a memo and remind myself to do it. No, wait! Better yet, I'll just have my secretary take all this to heart for me.- State Og Representative