State Og Update: 01.11.03
2003: The Year of The Og
State Og formally apologizes to all of our loyal readers/indentured servants for the unexpected hiatus. It seems that things got especially out of hand on New Year's Eve this year. Instead of rubbing their blood encrusted eyelids in the morning to find themselves with a male prostitute in Tijuana as usual, the entire corporation awoke in Wyoming. Yesterday. After the expected rioting, we settled down, put ice packs on our heads, and got to work bringing you the thing we bring you here. Special thanks go out to Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Wyoming State Correctional Facility Cell A), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Cell B), Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck (Undisclosed Sheep Pasture), Matt "Krang" Eckert (Cell A, Lower Bunk), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Your Cupboard).
Come Work for State Og!
State Og is currently looking for new employees to work for our string of retail stores, Og-Mart. We have two different positions available.
Delivery Driver: We have been in need of delivery drivers ever since we caused "The Plague Incident" at UPS. We offer wages starting at up to, but usually less than, $7 per hour and use of the company vehicle. Your job will be to drive supplies back and forth between locations, and be responsible for the 11 years worth of parking tickets the vehicle has incurred.
Sales Person: We need sales people who have a good knowledge of our products. We currently only sell motor homes, Pokemon cards, massagers, expired milk, and XXS shirts. Our limited array of products allows you to know our product line better and thus sell better. Just be aware that you are required to sell at least 4 units of expired milk per day. If you can sell then Og-Mart is the place for you. Here is a testimonial from last year's sales person of the year:
"Between the old people complaining about their Motor homes, the children running around asking which Pokemon cards we have, the fat people wanting me to help get the massager over their back, and the women complaining that we don't have the shirt that they love in their size; every day I go to work I feel like I'm storming a retarded Normandy Beach." --Jason, sales person of the year
Children and Death: A Winning Combination
We at State Og know how hard it is to break the news of a death to someone; in fact, we have an entire wing devoted to telling people their loved ones have been horribly killed. By far the biggest challenge is explaining the concept of death to a child. We find that this is a valuable lesson for a youngster aged 2-9 to understand, and we’re here for parents.
Sign your child up for State Og’s Death Education Program and make certain that your kids are well prepared for the realities of the world. Your child will begin the one day course by viewing footage of various ways to shuffle off this mortal coil, including all the hits: stabbing, shooting, beheading, disemboweling, acid bathing, excessive salmonella poisoning, and botched liposuction.
After lunch and a good thrashing your child will learn the true nature of death as they are locked into a small, dirty room alone with a genuine corpse! State Og Genuine Corpses© are guaranteed to exhibit the ravages of decay, so that your youngster will better understand the grim finality of death.
For a nominal fee your child’s Genuine Corpse© will be connected to a cleverly hidden system of wires and pulleys. Our trained technicians make the cadaver appear to dance around, comically waving and grinning from it’s rotted visage. This will show your child that there’s nothing to fear about death, and the experience ensures that this message never leaves their dreams.
Sign up for the State Og Death Education Program today and ensure that your child grows into a happy, well-adjusted human being!
Feeding the Dirty and Needy
State Og knows that times are tough, and that a lot of children go to bed hungry every night around the world. Usually, we just have a good giggle about it and fly off to Nevada to get prostitutes using our massive expense accounts. We were somewhere over Montana one night when Bob Alderson from marketing had a flash of inspiration- "Hey, wait a second. We could be making money off those filthy, stupid proles!"
Bob was right, so a few of the boys had him murdered, stole his idea and set the massive cogs of State Og in motion for our stunning entry into the world of low-priced staple foods. "Food Loaf", a tasty food-like quasinutritious treat for the refined but impoverished palate, is the result of several hours of grueling research into food alternatives that are nonlethal in small amounts, low in urine and spider eggs and --most importantly-- several cents cheaper per pound than sand that bats have repeatedly made love upon. It wasn't easy, but our commitment to the needs of stupid, filthy poor people gave us the determination to get through that historic Tuesday morning and emerge with Food Loaf ready for the marketplace just in time for our afternoon nap.
Keep your eyes peeled for "Cool Ranch Food Loaf", "Zesty Italian Food-a-Loaf-a", and "Diet Menthol Food Loaf Light", with twenty percent less tar than before and just one spider's egg per cubic inch. Also be on the lookout for "The Food Loaf Cookbook", chock full of tasty recipes that will keep you and your family just strong enough to steal cars or whatever it is poor people do when they're not watching Hee-Haw. Bon Appetit!
Employee Training On the High Seas
We here at State Og know how hard it is to find good help these days, especially for sea bound trading companies and their vessels. Don't fret though, you scurvy dogs! The State Og Pirate Platoon is here to help. For a low monthly fee, State Og will send out it's Pirate Platoon to your ships to make sure the crew is in excellent condition for seafaring. The State Og Pirate Platoon will perform three simple tasks for your crew, otherwise known as the Ship-Shape Steps:
First: The ship in question will be overtaken by the State Og Pirate Platoon via manned cannons and intimidating Jolly Roger flags. The pirates will board the ship, and Blackeye Boneswallow, the pirate ship captain complete with parrot and State Og Infrared Eye Patch, will force three (3) of the lesser-ranked crew members to walk the plank into the hungry sharks (for an extra fee, sharks with razor sharp metallic fins) below.
Second: Boneswallow and his pirates will ransack your ship and strip it of its valuables and rations to test your crew's survival prowess. Any life jackets, preservers, and boats will be set on fire and sent out into the ocean. As an added bonus, the pirates will offend any women crew members with lewd comments and gestures that include the popular, "Arr, you don't need oranges to get yer vitamin C if you know what I mean!"
Third: The ship will be hauled out to the middle of the body of water and left to rot. The pirate platoon will offer their final words of condemnation and hopelessness to reduce the crew's morale even further as they set sail for your next ship. If your crew is of any worth, it will make it back home in due time through dramatic heroism or a successful rescue attempt.
Our State Og Pirate Platoon program is sure to weed out any slackers you have employed, as well as offer experience to the surviving personnel. We encourage you to try out our pirate system today so you won't be sorry in the future!
Board Games For Seniors
Being an older person is alot harder than it looks. Aside from sitting around all day drinking apple juice and refusing to lift cars for my amusement(citing such excuses as "arthritis" and "how did you get in my home"), most old people have a deeper, hidden burden. Those who live in households with children face a certain sadness. They see the innocence and boundless possibilities of youth, a beauty that reminds them of their own fleeting lives. They long to reach out to the youngsters they see daily and somehow regain a portion of the feeling they had when they were themselves lively and unafraid of death. That's where State Og comes in, with a product that will change all this for good, and bring generations together. That's right kids, it's:
Monopoly: Mess With Your Grandparents Edition
How does one play this exciting new family game? It's easy! If you've ever played Monopoly before, just follow the same rules that you've grown up with. The only difference is: some spaces and cards will have instructions for you to follow, instructions that will have the whole family laughing! Take, for example, this Community Chest card: "Turn the lights on and off repeatedly, and scream that Buddy Hackett's ghost has come for your grandmother's soul."
In addition, when you land on Free Parking, everyone gets to pretend your grandfather isn't there for the rest of the game, no matter how much he cries! A bonus $200 goes to anyone who can successfully make eye contact with Gramps and pretend to see directly through him.