State Og Update: 07.10.04
Welcome once again to State Og, the company whose only rule is "Don't pour acid on Ethiopians", since they have enough problems as it is. Plus, amazingly, we found that it doesn't seem to have any effect on them. Special thanks this week go to: Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson.
The following is a page from State Og's headquarters security log, in which our guards are required to document every event that occurs in a given day. The service these men provide is essential to the survival of our business, and we want to show our appreciation by putting their exploits on display for the world.
8:30 A.M. - Eight foot tall sentient kidney escorted from the building after stealing a stapler from an executive's office. Vows revenge, is subsequently shot in what is assumed to be the head, then kicked repeatedly for good measure.
10:17 A.M. - A shrieking man engulfed in flames attempts to enter the building, shows the proper identification and is let in without incident.
11:42 A.M. - Spacecraft of unknown origin (Wyoming?) lands in parking lot. A small figure emerges, then telepathically communicates he is here as an ambasador of peace and goodwill between our peoples. He is double-parked, so we kick him repeatedly, then shoot him in the head for good measure.
12:01 P.M. - Several reports of an invisible rhinocerous on a rampage on the 18th floor are called in; we respond by sealing all entrances to the level with concrete and ignoring all calls from the 18th floor.
3:00 P.M. - One of our guards is 100% certain that he sees a black-clad intruder in the storage room. The intruder ducks behind a box, and moments later the guard shrugs and says aloud "Oh well, I must have been hearing things!", then continues his patrol.
3:02 P.M. - This very same guard's body is found, his neck mysteriously snapped in what we can only assume was an accident.
6:24 P.M. - Lock on the door of the Unspeakable Evil Room breaks, unleashing moderate amounts of unspeakable evil. Before we can act, the boss gives the unspeakable evil a promotion to the telemarketing department.
8:01 P.M. - A woman is denied entrance to the building due to our primary directive, the "no fat chicks" rule.
Cloning For A Better Tomorrow! Cloning For A Better Tomorrow!
Many people see cloning as a breakthrough technology that will someday give humanity the ability to do great things like grow new organs and body parts for the sick or injured, produce cloned super soldiers on a massive scale, or ensure every street corner has its very own Don Knots. These ideas, while great, fall far short of cloning's true ultimate potential: making a copy of yourself and placing it in a state of suspended animation so it can be revived after you die and, through neuro-cybernetics, programmed to believe, despite any evidence to the contrary, it is your ghost.
State OG now has many services available to make you a clone and endow it with a ghostly appearance. We have a variety of package plans to choose from to fit any budget, ranging from plans that use hologram technology to those that include cosmetic surgery to give your clone that authentic undead look or the more affordable, but still classic, Sheet-with-Two-Eyeholes Package.
Why get a clone and make it think it's your departed spirit? Well, with State Og's new Clone-Me-a-Ghost (TM) service, you can now be sure that if anyone kills you, your clone will hunt them down and deliver the appropriate amount of torturous death. If someone kills you, how does your clone find out whom so it can exact it righteous vengeance? Before deployment, we place all our "ghosts" though the esteemed State Og Detective School where they learn all the investigative skills of the seven greatest witch hunters of the 14th century! Rest assured that someone will be punished for your death, even if you weren't murdered or, if you were, maybe the clone will get the wrong person (Hell, the clone might escape from our containment facility and kill you itself for spare parts), but the point is someone will pay for your demise.
In addition to standard vengeance services, your ghostclone will also attend your funeral to make sure everyone's mourning is sincere, and if it isn't it will give everyone something to mourn about. With a crowbar if necessary. If everyone's sadness is genuine, your clone will make its presence known by materializing (i.e., running around and flailing its arms) amidst the bereaved and announce that in reward for the love they have given it (you) during life, it will temporality reclaim its (your) estate so it can invest it, triple its value and return it. Once it has all the money and possessions that were to be given away according to your will, it will take them to the dog tracks and attempt to deliver on its promise of tripling the value of your estate. Scientific studies have shown that our clones have a success rate at this almost as good as randomly guessing the winning dogs!
Don't live another day of your life unsure who will one day avenge your death! Sign up for our Clone-Me-a-Ghost (TM) service today.- State Og Representative