State Og Update: 01.25.03
Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Wonder if it's Safe...
You might have seen reports on the news about a mishap in our Sycamore Falls, Nevada lab. These reports are greatly exaggerated, and you DO NOT have to evacuate, or hide in a bomb shelter as falsely stated. However, if you do spot a wandering rhinoceros or a 17th century samurai unable to extinguish his arm which is frighteningly forever ablaze, please alert your local State Og representative. Thanks to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Sycamore Falls northern containment border), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (command post alpha), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (patrolling western border), Matt "Krang" Eckert (near southern containment border, piloting the sulfuric acid chopper), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (sulfuric acid burn ward) for this week's update, and their valiant but doomed efforts to contain the disaster which officially never happened.
We Put the "Og" in Hospital
Nothing is more of a downer than a lengthy stay in the hospital, recovering from a nasty bear attack or possibly from an engineered biological agent. We understand. That's why State Og is here to liven up your recuperation by announcing the opening of the St. Lening General Hospital. As everyone knows, St. Lening is the patron saint of wacky hijinx, and the St. Lening General Hospital is guaranteed to fill your wacky hijinx prescription!
The care program we offer at St. Lening is comprehensive both in quality and zaniness of service. For instance, standard IV bags simply sit all day dripping morphine or blood. How boring! St. Lening uses only State Og Bags O' Fun, which in addition to standard functions will randomly issue delicious pudding, or possibly cookies! Who can resist a treat injection?
St. Lening's operating rooms are state of the fun as well, coming stocked with novelty licorice scalpels, karaoke machines, and of course, a flying trapeze. As an added bonus, our surgeons will often leave springy snakes in your body, ready to leap out during your next operation, or possibly during breakfast!
State Og's trademark attention to detail suffuses the St. Lening General Hospital right down to the fire alarm pull stations; they're all drenched with super glue! Imagine the look on some guy's face when his hand is stuck to the wall in the midst of a raging inferno! Hilarious!
They say laughter is the best medicine, so check into the St. Lening General Hospital and cure the shit out of yourself.
Books - Nerd's Best Friend
Nobody publishes more insightful and entertaining books than State Og Press. Want proof? Just ask American Civil Liberties Union President, Nadine Strossen. A month ago, soon after we released our latest list of soon to be published books, the ACLU sent out a press release condemning our announced titles and took the unprecedented step of endorsing the act of book-burning. But earlier today, Strossen has graciously retracted her organization's "hasty and unwarranted remarks." She then went on to add that she was going to support legislation making the purchase of State Og books mandatory by law and failure to do so punishable by banishment to the middle of the Pacific Ocean. So what books are so much fun the ACLU's initial gut reaction is to incinerate them before you get a chance to read them? Why, here they are.
TITLE: How to Extort, Intimidate or Murder Officials of Major Civil Rights Organizations.
AUTHOR: Aaron Young
SYNOPSIS: How do you find what terrible secrets civil-rights advocates want to keep hidden from their family, peers and the public? How much money can you realistically squeeze out of them? What body parts do they want cut off the least? Learn the shocking and profitable answers to all these questions in this most scholarly tome of knowledge.
TITLE: Torture: How to Keep Your Victims Alive for Weeks, But Make Them Wish They Were Dead in Seconds!
AUTHOR: Matt Eckert
SYNOPSIS: The title sums it all up nicely. Also, this work perfectly complements the first book on our list.
TITLE: Puppetry – Volume One: Aborted Fetuses.
AUTHOR: Michael Hollenbeck
SYNOPSIS: Learn how to make the best puppets and how to get the best “materials” to make said puppets. For example, who says you even have to wait for a pregnant woman to decide to abort her baby, before claiming it as your own puppeteering prize? Not us!
Avoid ignorance! Buy our books.
Self Defense - the Og Way
State Og now has self defense classes that are so simple, anybody can learn and master our advanced techniques in under 2 hours. We offer several styles for all ages and genders. Just choose which technique you prefer from the list below, and head to your local State Og Dojo to sign yourself up.
Brazilian Do Vroom Ken
This is the Brazilian art of striking opponents with your vehicle. Students will learn how strike attackers with the front, rear, and sides of their vehicle. Students will also learn how to strike with the rear view mirrors, doors, and how to trap someone's neck with both automatic and manual windows. Special courses are being designed for new electric cars and VW bugs.
Pre Kwan Do
Pre Kwan Do is the art of determining potential attackers and striking them before they strike you. Students will learn how to tell who is about to attack them by the future attacker's appearance and posture. Students will learn that people pushing strollers or carrying groceries pose the most danger, and how to eliminate them before they attack you with their deadly parcels.
Ki Ne Fecala
A recent art, discovered by zookeepers, as they watched chimpanzees attack by throwing their own feces. This art concentrates on using feces, urine, and blood to force attackers into cleaning themselves up after fighting you, allowing you to counter while their hands are in the sink.
State Og extends our most sincere apologies to employees who left their infant children with our daycare service on Wednesday. Your children were supposed to be placed within a Baby Box Automated Daycare Crate, which is full of wonder and mystery for a developing mind. Instead, through some gross clerical error, they were placed into the Ultra Softball Shooto 8000 in the company batting cage, which is full of cramped conditions and sudden terrifying acceleration.
The State Og softball team would also like to apologize to the parents of those children for continuing batting practice, although the extra weight and squirminess of the targets did help carry the team to the semifinals last night. Go team Og!
Finally, the spirits of the children who were fired from the Ultra Softball Shooto 8000 cannot rest silently until they apologize to the State Og softball team for soiling themselves in mid flight. Hopefully their tiny ethereal hands will no longer clutch at your ankles while you're in bed.
Getting Through Troubled Times
We here at State Og know how hard it is to cope with certain life events, especially if they sneak up on you. That’s why we have put together the State Og Preemptive Support Foundation! Our friendly State Og support group will arrive whenever the crisis you specified happens. Just pick up and fill out a support form at your local State Og chapter. Please use this service to get through tough situations and emotions that you think you might be subject to in the future, such as loneliness and divorce. Here is a list of problems that the people at State Og are happy to cater to, and the type of solutions we provide:
Problem: feelings of dissatisfaction during the job.
Solution: The State Og support group arrives at your workplace, serves you coffee and cake at specific intervals, and shoots anyone who bothers you during the day. NOTE: Wacky Ricochet Bullets are no longer used.
Problem: loved one threatens divorce.
Solution: We parachute down to the scene and hold your spouse at knifepoint until he retracts his statement. NOTE: Please write “divorce” legibly. It has been accidentally mistaken for “kill me whenever you get the chance” more times than we can count.
Problem: feelings of loneliness and alienation.
Solution: the State Og support group sends four attractive, humanoid robots to fulfill your every sexual desire. NOTE: Robots no longer have active grenades stapled to their foreheads.
At the State Og Preemptive Support Foundation we can help you with all of those troubles and more. Our motto is, “Solve your
problems before there is a problem!”
The (Everything In Your Bank Account) Dollar Man
Voyeurs, assassins, and people who overreact to everything will piss their pants when they find out our Invisible Man Project is mostly complete! That's right, the surface of our test subjects' bodies are now 90% invisible, with just a few patches of still visible bits. Started last year after one of our technicians somehow acquired The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells (and was later mauled to death by a dung beetle for possessing a book), the project has enjoyed amazing success.
In fact, our mostly invisible man is mostly ready for action, so we've begun to accept payments from the public to undergo the process and become mostly invisible themselves! What's all the fuss about, you ask? Only the greatest thing to happen since God banged Mary and made baby Jesus, that's what. But don't take it from me; once you give us a ridiculous amount of money, you will:
Be nine times as invisible as a normal human being!
Literally live for days!
Be able to hide from blind women and watch them shower!
Become only mildly ultraviolent at sporadic intervals after the painful and anally invasive "Invisomatic" process!
Not be physically able to eat or sleep!