State Og Update: 08.21.04
State Og's brightest minds have been working overtime for several months trying to find a solution to all the hours of overtime our workforce has been accumulated. So far there's no progress, but our men have vowed to keep at it until the situation has been fixed. Special thanks this week go to: Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell.
Protect The Army You Love
During times of military action over countless centuries, generals have had to accept the grim reality that a large portion, if not the majority, of their men would succumb not to battle’s many horrors, but to disease. Even in our modern time, sickness is still a primary threat to soldiers. Vaccines can only prevent a few illnesses and despite the attempts of many officers, nobody can place condoms on every individual troop fast enough to protect them all every day (excluding the record held by then Major Dennis Farrell, which doesn’t count since he put roofies in his men’s water). Why not use a single condom that protects all your troops at once? Thanks to our new State Og War Condoms, you now can!
A single War Condom can hold up to a full battalion of men! Just march them in and seal off the end. Now you can confidently send them off to battle, knowing that they are safe from all of those slutty microbes. Just make sure they complete their mission before the oxygen runs out and they’ll come back disease free after each and every assault you send them on!
You might think we would have to skimp on features when making condoms this big, but that would mean you’re retarded. Every one of these condoms feature a special reservoir for the man on point and a ribbed texture that shows the town you occupy how much you really care. Smaller versions are now available for Special Forces!
Protect The One You Don’t Love But Said You Did To Get Her In The Sack
We would like to apologize to all the people who were involved in the product testing of our new State Og (Non-War) Condoms and inadvertently tested our new rubber sheaths that turn into steel wool when they get wet. Please stop by any of our regional offices and pick up your free conciliatory box of kittens that turn into clam chowder when wet.
Over The Trench, Off The Canteen, Nothing But Head
When it comes time to protect our country, we need the very best soldiers in place. We hope that war never comes, but if a conflict does break out, our men need to be an efficient and mobile force that's capable of taking out the enemy with the least resistance possible. This sort of army can cut through enemy forces and end the war with little loss. Our modern "army of one" is no longer viable, we need an army of five. I'm referring, of course, to the Harlem Globetrotters. Or as we call them, the U.S. Globetrotters.
Never again need you worry about the United States' safety, or about the welfare of our troops. In time, they will all be released from active duty since the Globetrotters are utterly unstoppable. These five funky warriors bounce into action on trampolines, toss guns back and forth to one another over-the-shoulder without looking, and throw grenades into the mouths of their enemies with flamoyant hookshots. Angola, Malta, Antarctica... no one will stand a chance! Not only will our Globetrotters defeat any enemy handily to the upbeat tune of the classic Sweet Georgia Brown, but their dazzling display should even sell tickets! We're not quite sure how we'd work out the seating, but we'll let you know.- State Og Representative