State Og Update: 11.13.04
Contrary to rampant rumors, State Og is not broadcast in Surround Vision. Please refrain from using two eyes at once while reading or risk blindness and/or retroactive birth defects. Special thanks this week go to: Tom "Smoking Dragon" Clancy, Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson, Elijah "Like The Wood" Bagdonas, and Matt "Coco13" Rock.
Be sure to watch StateOg's new fun-u-cational children's art appreciation show on PBS!
StateOg is committed to promoting the arts and educating our nation's youth. Together with RJ Reynolds Company we will teach youths to understand and appreciate the art of the world renowned Smoking Dragon series through an hour long program that attempts to explain the intricacies of complex works such as The Whistler's Daughter.
Characters on the program will include adult cartoon characters, recent parolees, and failed muppets such as Hardgrave the Chain-Smoking Rabbit. These characters will explain the differences between post-modern neo classicism and futurist surrealism and explain how cigarettes will make you look cool. The cast also includes a classroom of diverse students from all nations and backgrounds.
Be sure to make your children watch or they will grow up to be culturally deprived degenerates who will piss on your grave when you die. Check your local listings for show times. Special thanks go out to RJ Reynolds for clearing up some of "red tape" at the FCC.
A Noble Candidate's Campaign Comes To A Close
Several weeks ago , Americans voted for the man they felt was most qualified to take on the humbling responsibility of deciding what china patterns and silverware will be used in the White House's State Dining Room over the next four years while pretending it's his wife who does it. Sadly, one outstanding candidate didn't get on the ballot this year in any state. Some say the news of this candidate's campaign was suppressed by a biased media, while others say it was due to how few reporters could successfully navigate the minefield surrounding his hidden bungalow of forbidden horrors to conduct an interview. Either way, what is important is that our nation has missed the opportunity to vote for Maximilian the robot, the only presidential contender who cares not for fine tableware, but for all humans. More specifically, he cares about our livers and the oil he can squeeze out of them and into his lubrication port.
Better luck in 2008, Maximilian.
To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Sick Time
With the new year quickly approaching and lower than expected 3rd quarter margins, we are forced to find cost cutting measures by initiating some changes to our current sick time policy. All employees will still be given the standard 40 hour allotment of paid sick time per year. Changes in policy will effect how sick time will be used. So we may process your request in a timely matter, please reference the following updated requirements:
- All sick time must be requested at least three days in advance and no later than 4 hours prior to the start of work.
- Voicemail messages will no longer be acceptable means of calling in sick.
- A note from your doctor, two priests, a rabbi and any Wal-Mart team member must be furnished regardless of length of absence.
- Employee must be available for contact and/or running errands throughout the day of absence.
- Sick time may only be used in seven hour increments. Employee is responsible for showing up and finishing each days work in the remaining hour. No overtime will be paid for unfinished work.
- Any employee calling in sick on a Monday, Friday or before and/or after a holiday will be paid with vacation time only.
- Because of midweek workloads Tuesdays and Thursdays will count three times the normal missed hours. Only the hours missed will be paid.
- All Wednesday sick requests must be signed by the CEO, CIO, CFO, CIA and FBI at least two weeks prior to the three day advance cutoff.
- All requests must be completed in organic greenish-purple ink on legal size 37lb pink colored paper.
- Any employee using sick time for any reason other than sickness will be fined $5,000 and will be imprisoned for a minimum of 20 weeks in the accounting department.
- These rules are subject to interpretation, changes and indecisiveness at any time.
Please submit any questions or requests to the Human Resources department. Allow 7-10 working days for a response.
State Og Likes It When You Donate Like That Baby
As our parole officer so kindly reminds us, a good deed gives us solid character witnesses. And what better way to garner a circumstantial defense than with an animal shelter drive? Yes, that's right! Not that! That! No, next to it! Yes no left just... there! State Og is taking the electricity off the doggie door and accepting any unwanted, lowly, mangy, stupid dumb cats. You don't want them, but State Og will gladly take those rascally heaps of varmit off of your hands. You think cats suck, and you don't even know why the hell you leave that hairball machine around. They just get in your way. Remember that one time that cat shot your brother, and you had to hunt it across state lines seeking justice? You don't want that to happen again, even though you don't have another brother. Still, damn cats.
Speaking of mandatory service, the child laborers of State Og will be putting on their annual Christmas violin recital soon. Free tickets are still available, and all proceeds will go directly to Lady Cherry at the Pop 'Em Fresh outside town. We almost didn't have enough violins to pass around to our thousand-strong band, but thanks to some quick thinking by our Heartless Bastard department, we'll be all ready to string up the band! Get ready for a catastrophe of a night as our orphans lead you on renditions of "Silent Night (Yeah Right)," "GoodBye King Wenceslas," and hopefully not too many more. We all may have left the windows open, and it looks like rain.
So help us!- State Og Representative