State Og Update: 12.25.04
As you might have noticed State Og hit the jackpot by signing an exclusive deal with Santa Claus, easing his burden by taking over 33% of his delivery route for the next five years. How will we accomplish this feat? By bringing the gifts directly to our warehouse in one trip instead of delivering them to millions of homes, saving assloads of time in the process! Special thanks this week go to: Tom "Smoking Dragon" Clancy, Matthew "Swami" Frederickson, and Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott.
New Childrens' Toy From State Og!
After months of legal setbacks, protests and bomb threats we've finally cleared the final hurdle and are releasing the Smoking Dragon Smokes a Lot Super Action Adventure Toy®! Your child will love this incredible toy that was inspired by the famed Smoking Dragon artworks. It's made out of high quality ultra-flammable firewood and comes with real cigarettes provided by RJ Reynolds. Pull the cord and the dragon will puff the cigarette and blow smoke rings! This toy is already number 1 in the top ten list of toys you should definitely [not] get your kid for Christmas! Just look at this rave review by Consumer Reports:
This &toy is one of the &greatest & toys&available this Christmas. Your kids will &learn & much from this & educational and & safe gift. I & highly recommend it to kids of all ages.
So if you have put off your Christmas shopping until the day of Christmas like most of you deadbeat dads probably have then rush to your local toy store and buy it or your ex-wife will steal even more of your booze money! Kids all over the country are already demanding their parents get them this toy, act now!
From: Your CEO
To: Vermin Employees
Re: Inappropriate Holiday Music, Decorations, Etc...
To whom it may concern;
You may have noticed from the title of this Memo that I am not happy with you. I have been hearing New Age holiday music in the hallways, seeing dancing Santa figurines, and have generally noticed an evil reek of bad holiday cookies. If you would please refer to the section in your employee handbook titled, 'Ways to piss off your boss', you would notice that whatever you are doing, it is pissing me off.
It leaves me no choice but to punish every one of you. The prescribed method for punishment listed in the handbook is plain and clear. Every employee must gather in the lunch/break area at noon today. At that time we (the management) will lockdown any and all methods of escape. Then, we (the management) will let loose in the room a rabid, hungry Jerry Falwell who will have a constant portable intraveinous solution of adrenaline strapped to his chin-sack.
Complaining is prohibited. Be sure to drink plenty of water beforehand, as this may be a strenuous time for us all.
On a lighter note, surviving employees are invited to the New Year's Pot Luck dinner. Remember, I'm allergic to green olives, so no martinis will be served. Ha Ha. I'm just kidding of course. I'll be there, celebrating with you!
Peace on Earth
Court Mandated Holiday Cheer
Christmas has come around once again, and that means that it's time for State Og to fulfill this quarter's community service requirement. Don't let the mandatory nature of our generosity put you off, though. Even if a judge hadn't ordered us to pay hefty fines and perform countless hours of community service, we'd still be out in the streets on Christmas Day, spreading "love" and perhaps a few of our genetically engineered "love packages." By "packages," of course, we mean "viruses", and by "love" we generally mean "death."
This year, however, we will be partaking in the time-honored tradition of giving gifts to the less fortunate members of society. Born into poverty, or perhaps placing themselves there through sheer stupidity, these people are more than deserving of our periodical pity and selective aid.
In preparing for our Christmas surprise for these commonly smelly people, we found out something startling: there are an awful lot of them. Like, more than twenty, and that's just in the block surrounding our main offices. Imagine how many there are in the greater city area! Obviously, if we took the time to distribute our blankets, sweaters, gloves, and hats by hand, we'd be at it for a pretty long time. At least a few hours, and we don't really have that much time to spare. Besides, it's kinda cold out, and we really wanted to make some hot chocolate and watch Mike from accounting do his drunken koala impression.
Luckily, Lady Inspiration struck us upon the head with her Club of Innovation just in time. By taking an air compressor, some metal piping, and one of our many nondescript cargo vans, we were able to create the world's first high-speed present delivery system. In just a few minutes, we will cruise down the streets of our fair city in comfort, blaring Christmas carols at top volume, drinking a fair amount of spiked eggnog, and firing gifts at the homeless from our soon-to-be-patented Joy Cannon at speeds approaching 90 miles per hour. They will scream with glee as tightly wrapped packages come flying at them, knocking them back into walls, through storefront windows, and into hapless pedestrians. Further, to make sure that they realize the gifts are for them, we'll be aiming for their heads so that they'll plainly be able to see the words "FOR YOU" printed upon the wrapping paper as it comes toward them. We're already getting a warm, fuzzy feeling in our innards as we imagine them smiling at us with shattered, bloody teeth. Yes, this will be a gift they will never forget.
So God bless us, every one, on this most joyous of days. And if, later today, you happen to hear "Silent Night" blasting from a car stereo, accompanied by the sounds of drunken laughter and the approaching squealing of tires, smile to yourself and remember us, the selfless employees of State Og. Also, don't forget to duck.
- State Og Representative