State Og Update: 11.18.02
We're Back Once Again!
Thanks to the miracle of very powerful air-to-surface missiles and a shoddy revolving-door prison system, State Og is back and better than ever, ready to unleash a salvo of helpful products to you, the consumers of whatever horrible country you currently spend your free time festering in! State Og satellite research centers across the globe are reporting in with hundreds or possibly millions of new products and services for you, the horrible consumer! Today's updates come from Daniel "Grout" Jensen (Waukegan, Illinois division), Gary M. (Brownsville, Texas division), Andrew X. (Hellsburgh, Ohio division), Will "Sun Walker" Collins (Burning Fields, Kentucky division), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Mudflap City, Arizona division). Look for more updates from other sources across the globe as State Og continues to upgrade its EDX209 Tactical Cancer Station Mainframe computer machine!
Important Stage Og Bulletin - Cure for Cancer found, Lost
This week's State Og brings both good and bad news, so please feel free to shoot the messenger (ed: Gus, you're fired). A few days ago our Biotechnology Division's head researcher Ruthy McLod announced that his team had discovered a simple and cost effective method of destroying cancerous cells in the human body. National leaders from countries around the world lauded McLod with their highest honors, and he was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize overnight via FedEx. Unfortunately, earlier today we received news that the revolutionary treatment was, in fact, an elaborate hoax played by McLod as an early April Fool's prank for some year in the distant future. Good job, McLod, you certainly got us! We are aware that the millions of people suffering from cancer worldwide who held a candlelight vigil in front of State Og's headquarters yesterday may not see the humor in Ruthy's good natured trickery, so in order to save the good name of State Og, our benevolent President has hired several professional suicide bombers to renovate McLod's offices, killing all seven thousand employees. Luckily, a torn piece of paper found in the wreckage made vague reference to specially prepared Montreal style bagels being the key to slowing down the reproduction rate of cancerous cells.
As for the bad news, we must sadly report that an unexplained explosion within our Biotechnology Division claimed the lives of over seven thousand State Og employees, including one Ruthy McLod who had recently made a groundbreaking discovery in the field of cancer research. Our best wishes and prayers go out to the families of those killed in this tragic accident.
Blow the Socks Off Terrorists!
Worried about terrorism? Now more than ever, State Og is committed to bringing its customers products that will keep them prepared for an impending terrorist attack at all times. Terrorism is a constant danger in today's society, with terrorists planning to spread their terror at any terrifying moment that is also full of terror! With this in mind, we proudly introduce "Steve's Exploding Shoes." If, at any time, you or your family feels threatened by a possible terrorist attack, simply pull the "E-Z-Plode" cord and the 20 pounds of TNT stored within the shoes will immediately explode violently and without warning! State Og has implemented the latest in explosive footwear technology to make sure that you are safe from terror wherever you go! Never be nervous in public buildings again! Take it from the creator of this product himself, Steve, who says to you, "these shoes will definitely explode when you pull the cord"
PS: Yes, Steve has been convicted of child molestation, but who's perfect?
State Og Updates Thanksgiving For Today's Generation
When Thanksgiving originated in the foothills of northern Virginia, no one intended it to become an annual tradition. The Pilgrims just threw a big feast and invited all the colonists and Indian men so that a legion of English soldiers could conquer all the precious Indian land without opposition. Unfortunately, a group of elderly colonists were misinformed about the true intentions of the feast, and since separating an old person from a serving of stuffing is like separating a conjoined twin with a preference for stuffing from a serving of stuffing, the colonists decided to give into their demands and repeat Thanksgiving again. But like the cloning of Dick Clark, two Thanksgivings weren't enough, and soon the process had to be repeated every year. However, unlike Dick Clark clones, the majority of the nation despises Thanksgiving. Also, flash bulbs don't cause Thanksgiving to explode with a surprisingly large fireball. So, in an effort to improve the world of tomorrow, to right the wrongs of the past, and to finance an international militant task force set on liberating the real pope, State Og has taken it upon themselves and cheap labor in Korea to modernize Thanksgiving with the revolutionary new product entitled "Nano-Glaze!"
Juicy, flavorful, and equipped with a slippery handle, turkey drumsticks are one of the most sought after meats, second only to the sweetbreads of a Panda's stomach. But in Mother Nature's cruelest trick since Helen Keller, the Turkey only carries two, allowing only the fittest males and butchest lesbians to enjoy this delicacy. That's why State Og has gone over the heads of government regulators, defied the court rulings, and ignored the pleading cries of the test-subject widows in order to bring you the wonder that is Nano-Glaze. A liberal coating of Nano-Glaze on a Thanksgiving Turkey will cover it with nano-sized robots that can regenerate any meat removed by drawing in atoms from the air and reconfiguring them into protein molecules. One Thanksgiving meal has the potential to provide enough leftovers to satisfy all citizens in a tri-state region, causing the economy to spiral into an unprecedented level of depression and revert the nation to martial law! Enjoy!
Note: Sterilize all meat that Nano-Glaze has been applied to before consuming. Avoid directly touching the coat of Nano-Glaze. Do not use an electric-knife to cut meats coated with Nano-Glaze. Due to Supreme Court legislation regarding class-action lawsuits, all damages as a result of Nano-Glaze can and will not be compensated until existing cases are resolved.
Rest Your Weary Eyes, Stupid!
Do you suffer from skull-splitting migraines brought about by reading anything other than The Weekly Sun and Rosie Magazine? Are you just too busy for those overly wordy novels? Just don't have the time to read any flowery poetry from stalkers? If you're one of the millions of Americans that suffer from any of the above symptoms, then State Og has the perfect solution to your woes! The Read-For-Me Himalayan Snow Yeti (tm) is the perfect accessory for any self-respecting professional who's caught in the swirling vortex of misery that is urban America. Weighing in at a measly three and 1/2 tons, the RFMHSY (tm) is a gentle north Indian mammal, neutral white in color to match your decor, that will assist you in solving your undeniably complex time management conundrum. RFMHSY showcases the following features:
Large hands equipped with opposable thumbs and claws capable of shredding your novels and magazines to bits!
Piercing eyes with which to cull the location of your books from other visual stimuli!
A peanut-sized brain lacking any rational thought processes (he won't stop until the job's done, folks)!
A snowy-white, downy pelt to keep you warm on those cold winter nights laying prostrate before the Almighty Television*!
A bodybuilder's physique that no book will be able to last long against!
The RFMHSY is clearly the superior choice in time management for the career-oriented businessperson. His savage anti-literary instincts combined with his crushing grip and inhuman agility spell doom for those insolent tomes littering your one-room studio apartment! With the guilt of all those unread novels and novellas off your back, imagine how much you can accomplish! Call 1-800-YETI today!**
* Call 1-800-FEEDMETV for more information on this exciting State Og exclusive!
** State Og and associates are not responsible for damages to your domicile beyond that inflicted on literary media. A docile Yeti is not guaranteed. RFMHSY is not recommended for seniors, pregnant women, or children under the age of 18. Void where east-Asian feral carnivores prohibited.
Help From Helpers Who Help!
We've embarked on an exciting new venture, a series of public service announcements called "Burt's Safety Plans". Unfortunately, Abe Vigoda declined our offer to take part in Burt's Safety Plans, so we went with the next best thing: Burt Reynolds. He'll be stopping in every once in a while to offer friendly advice to make everyone's lives safer. Here he is now!
Burt's Safety Plan #1
"When fighting your evil twin, always roll around on the ground with it so an observer won't be able to tell which is the real you. Also, try and wear identical clothes."
We'll Make You Pay Sooner or Later
State Og would like to take a moment to remind you not to deceive us. Ever. Recently, in our Inflatable Water Wings Bureau, secretary Hank Hankston was discovered to be a man, and thus incapable of being a secretary. As punishment for this unforgivable transgression, Mr. Hankston's hands were grabbed by several employees, then he was beaten about the head and neck with his own fists while his assailants taunted "why are you hitting yourself?" He died several hours later. We stopped hitting him shortly thereafter.
We would like to remind the legal department that Mr. Hankston technically beat himself to death, and that we are free of any and all charges.
It has just been brought to my attention that we no longer have a legal department, so nevermind. Let's have a moment of silence for those brave men and the catapult they were so valiantly trying to construct in order to make filing suits across town easier.
Now back to the liar. Hank leaves behind a plump and delectable wife, and what appear to be two or possibly three children. We couldn't really see, as the car we were in was speeding away from his house and the firecrackers we lit when rolling his body out of the moving vehicle kept the children frightened and pinned inside, almost entirely out of sight. Also I was in the trunk, drinking bourbon and trying to shave my arms, so my sight was obstructed. They could have been small Mexicans. Knowing the depths of deception Hank was capable of, having three small Mexicans in his home which he passed off as children would not surprise us. On another note, we'd like to congratulate our newest employee who will fill Hank's place, Chuck McBain. Chuck scored incredibly well on the aptitude test, and I'm sure she'll make us proud!