Although this youngster isn't the one that inspired me personally, they do have one thing in common: Their parents resent them for being born male.
Today's update was actually inspired by my friend's 11-year-old brother, a bright young man with a wonderfully dark sense of humor, a tendency to behave antisocially, and what I'm almost certain is the worst case of ADHD ever to bedevil the field of child psychiatry. Anyway, after stealing his idea about magic bums and turning it into a tiny little short story with a lot of heart and a real humdinger of an ending, a vacancy opened on the front page. I submitted it, along with some other stuff, and Zack took a shining to it, and asked if I could rewrite it so that it was long enough to go on the front page. I initially told him to get the fuck out of my face with that shit, but he promised to give me some food stamps and pay off all my DUIs so here I am.
All joshin' aside, it really is hugely flattering to be asked to write for a site like Something Awful. I've been reading it every day for the last 4 years or so, and it never gets old to me. In addition to enjoying SA just for being funny, I respect it for its integrity. Lowtax refuses to insult his readers by covering the site with noisy flash ads and annoying popunders. Additionally, he refuses to employ women in all but the most menial of capacities, and I think we can all take a lesson from that. I'm gonna cut this Daily Dirt a little short today because a) I have nothing interesting to say and b) my attempt to cure this hangover by waking up early, physically exerting myself, and eating an ungodly amount of cheap seafood hasn't been very encouraging, and it's probably better if I just call it a day, but before I go...
Did you either love or hate today's front page update? SUPERLATIVE! Feel free to send me an email outlining exactly why and how I deserve to lose my genitals. Be sure to include the phrase "Loved it!", "Hated it!", "Ambivalent!", or "S0uth B3ach D1et xxrxazxkjh" in the subject line. BYE.
If that boy isn't willing to shoot his laser and get you that carbon, he's not worth your time.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!