(10:26:18 AM) SAAssLowtax: an ambulance just drove by my office window immediately after you wrote that message... coincidence? I think not
(10:26:35 AM) SAAssLowtax: how many people must suffer from your instant messaging
(10:26:38 AM) Moof: did it have its siren on
(10:26:43 AM) SAAssLowtax: yes
(10:26:56 AM) Moof: last night there was an ambulance and a fire truck and they carried away a hobo on a stretcher
(10:27:04 AM) Moof: the hobo's name is travelling man
(10:28:01 AM) SAAssLowtax: sounds like the hobo was taking advantage of the system... free bed that drives around town? count me in, brother
(10:28:07 AM) Moof: yes
(10:28:10 AM) Moof: i think you are right
(10:28:26 AM) SAAssLowtax: I'd pay up to a thousand dollars for a bed that drove me around town while I slept
(10:28:33 AM) SAAssLowtax: a thousand million dollars
(10:28:37 AM) Moof: oh my lord
(10:28:46 AM) Moof: that is a lot of "cash"
(10:28:54 AM) SAAssLowtax: it has always been my dream to force other people to watch me sleep
(10:29:06 AM) Moof: what man does not have that dream
(10:29:10 AM) Moof: that is the "american dream"
(10:29:25 AM) SAAssLowtax: no, I have the "american dream" when I'm asleep!
(10:29:36 AM) Moof: american gothic
(10:29:42 AM) Moof: because you always have a pitchfork
(10:29:52 AM) Moof: and you always dream about pitchfork media dot com
(10:30:35 AM) SAAssLowtax: my dreams are dreams of blood
(10:32:06 AM) Moof: bloodfork
(10:32:19 AM) SAAssLowtax: bloodbed
(10:32:25 AM) SAAssLowtax: iBloodbed.com
(10:32:33 AM) SAAssLowtax: that will be the website for our mobile bed company
(10:32:37 AM) Moof: .com is so web 1.3
(10:32:46 AM) SAAssLowtax: .Bloodbed.bed
(10:32:49 AM) Moof: yes
(10:32:54 AM) Moof: or ibloodb.ed
(10:33:04 AM) Moof: hold on gonna tweet this
(10:33:15 AM) SAAssLowtax: yeah but then the website name sounds like iBloodb, which sounds so web 2.0
(10:33:25 AM) Moof: that is where we are
(10:33:26 AM) Moof: aren't we
(10:33:30 AM) SAAssLowtax: we gotta think for the future
(10:33:33 AM) Moof: hmmm
(10:33:33 AM) SAAssLowtax: web 3.1
(10:33:35 AM) Moof: web 2000
(10:33:46 AM) Moof: that sounds futuristic...
(10:34:06 AM) SAAssLowtax: okay I predicted in the future websites won't even use letters, they will just be shapes and clipart
(10:34:27 AM) SAAssLowtax: so our website could be: (square)(triangle)(clipart of pig eating an ear of corn)
(10:34:55 AM) Moof: i feel like i am living in some future wonderland
(10:34:57 AM) Moof: just thinking about it
(10:35:03 AM) SAAssLowtax: also in the future there will be no shift key, just a button reading "MARK MY WORDS" and you need to press that too
(10:35:41 AM) SAAssLowtax: so if you want to sleep in a bed that drives you around town, you must press MARK MY WORDS square-triangle-clipart pig eating corn
(10:36:05 AM) Moof: it is like those hobo codes
(10:36:12 AM) Moof: that are all around town
(10:36:19 AM) Moof: like "FRIENDLY PEOPLE LIVE HERE"
(10:36:25 AM) Moof: "angry ducks nearby
(10:36:30 AM) Moof: "pig and corn"
(10:36:53 AM) SAAssLowtax: we dont have hobos here but we have gas stations
(10:37:07 AM) Moof: we don't have gas stations
(10:37:30 AM) SAAssLowtax: do you have hobos?
(10:37:40 AM) Moof: yes
(10:37:41 AM) SAAssLowtax: I heard you do
(10:37:41 AM) Moof: many
(10:37:49 AM) Moof: they call this place the widowmaker
(10:37:52 AM) Moof: because of all the hobos
(10:37:56 AM) SAAssLowtax: I know how to solve your hobo problem once and for all
(10:38:03 AM) Moof: what is the solution
(10:38:03 AM) SAAssLowtax: I can share this revolutionary idea with you
(10:38:10 AM) SAAssLowtax: may I have a moment of your time
(10:38:16 AM) Moof: please
(10:38:25 AM) SAAssLowtax: okay first of all does your town have a museum
(10:38:42 AM) Moof: yes
(10:38:49 AM) Moof: it has a fake giant sloth in it
(10:40:21 AM) SAAssLowtax: okay good, now what you do is get a job as a museum curator and work your way up the ranks to Head Museum CEO over the course of the next 20 years
(10:40:38 AM) Moof: okay i can do that
(10:40:42 AM) SAAssLowtax: then once you have obtained that position of power, you order hundreds of mummies "for the museum"
(10:40:49 AM) Moof: from where
(10:40:52 AM) Moof: where do i order mummies
(10:41:23 AM) SAAssLowtax: I would imagine you'd get a complimentary subscription to a mummy mailing list once you become Head Museum CEO or something
(10:41:37 AM) Moof: yeah probably
(10:41:38 AM) SAAssLowtax: at that point it's as simple as pointing and clicking!
(10:41:43 AM) Moof: mummi.es
(10:42:12 AM) SAAssLowtax: okay once you have your mummies, you sneak into the Mummy Storage Vault in the dead of night and steal one each night, and place it in some hobo infested area of town
(10:42:21 AM) SAAssLowtax: hobos are allergic to mummies, and they will flee
(10:42:29 AM) Moof: but
(10:42:32 AM) Moof: where will they go
(10:42:35 AM) Moof: i dont want them to be alone
(10:43:05 AM) SAAssLowtax: you keep on dumping mummies everywhere until the hobos have no place to run except your museum
(10:43:28 AM) Moof: ok
(10:43:31 AM) SAAssLowtax: at which point you capture them and turn them into mummies and when somebody who works for you says "where are all the mummies" you say "right here" and point to a hobo mummy
(10:43:31 AM) Moof: so i herd them
(10:43:40 AM) SAAssLowtax: bam
(10:43:46 AM) SAAssLowtax: problem solved
(10:44:09 AM) Moof: then i can retire
(10:44:11 AM) Moof: fat and happy
(10:44:23 AM) SAAssLowtax: and rich once you sell back the street mummies at an inflated price
(10:44:34 AM) SAAssLowtax: cause them is mummies with experience on the mean streets
(10:44:48 AM) SAAssLowtax: and that boosts their resale value
(10:44:56 AM) Moof: hmmm true....
(10:45:02 AM) Moof: happiness is all that i need
(10:45:11 AM) Moof: i need no money nor mummies
(10:45:15 AM) SAAssLowtax: happiness is next to mumminess
(10:45:35 AM) Moof: yes that is correct
(10:46:02 AM) SAAssLowtax: there are literally no flaws in this plan and if you think otherwise then you have been corrupted by the anti-mummy lobby
(10:46:08 AM) SAAssLowtax: you have been COMPROMISE
(10:46:10 AM) SAAssLowtax: D
(10:46:27 AM) Moof: i have not been COMPRIMISED
(10:46:31 AM) Moof: i promise
(10:46:33 AM) SAAssLowtax: COMPROMISE-D is even worse than COMPROMISED
(10:46:50 AM) Moof: it sounds like a drug that i could purchase at walgreens
(10:46:57 AM) SAAssLowtax: in the future hyphenating Ds will be used to convey a sense of urgency
(10:47:16 AM) Moof: AMBULANCE-D
(10:47:25 AM) SAAssLowtax: "oh no I am covered in MU-D" (a lot of mud)
(10:47:32 AM) Moof: oh no!!!
(10:47:41 AM) SAAssLowtax: no that was just an example!!!
(10:47:44 AM) SAAssLowtax: this is not the future yet!
(10:47:49 AM) SAAssLowtax: I think
(10:47:50 AM) Moof: RUN AWAY THERE IS A BEAR CHASING YOU, FRIEN-D
(10:47:53 AM) SAAssLowtax: awwww
(10:47:56 AM) SAAssLowtax: thank you moof
(10:48:08 AM) Moof: you are welcome
(10:48:10 AM) Moof: that was a trick
(10:48:11 AM) Moof: do not run
(10:48:14 AM) SAAssLowtax: frien-d is like "best friend"
(10:48:16 AM) Moof: you cannot run from all your problems
(10:48:17 AM) Moof: any more
(10:49:05 AM) SAAssLowtax: okay since that is the future too, we should modify our website name to (SQUARE)(TRIANGLE)(CLIPART OF PIG EATING CORN)-D
(10:49:15 AM) Moof: yes
(10:49:17 AM) Moof: we should
(10:50:04 AM) SAAssLowtax: the future is looking so bright that I've been blinded and require third party assistance for even the most basic functions!
(10:50:27 AM) SAAssLowtax: I nee-d a lot of help
(10:51:21 AM) Moof: you are going to your grave-d
(10:52:14 AM) SAAssLowtax: :(-D
(10:52:20 AM) SAAssLowtax: (I am really sad)
(10:52:27 AM) Moof: here
(10:52:36 AM) Moof: have some corn-d
(10:52:45 AM) SAAssLowtax: too late, I am dea-d
(10:52:50 AM) SAAssLowtax: (really dead)
(10:52:58 AM) SAAssLowtax: dea-d is dead 2.0
(10:52:59 AM) Moof: oh no-d
(10:53:06 AM) SAAssLowtax: extreme dying
(10:53:40 AM) SAAssLowtax: the doctor revives you just so you can be killed again
(10:53:48 AM) SAAssLowtax: they have a lion in the operating room
(10:54:10 AM) SAAssLowtax: "we saved him, so he may die again... IN THE EXTREME"
(10:54:11 AM) Moof: oh wow
(10:54:20 AM) Moof: that is how i want to die
(10:55:00 AM) SAAssLowtax: moof I don't want to sound like a blowhar-d, but frankly this exchange of ours has netted quite a few great ideas
(10:55:11 AM) Moof: nette-d you mean ;)
(10:55:37 AM) SAAssLowtax: AGREE-D
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!