A fierce Wind blew down the door. John Wind. His gun was drawn. Will was cornered.

"You promised me yum-yums for my tum-tum!" He shouted, kicking Will in the chest. "This is a violation of the Tasty Treats Agreement of 1997."

"I don't know what you're talking about! You got what you paid for!" Will retorted. Wind wasn't in the mood.

"Seven hundred dollars worth of snackberries. That's what you owe me, and I'm not leaving until I get it." He chambered a round and levelled his sights on Will's torso.

To be continued...


Today's Update

I've never been too proud to steal, so I'll admit that I took the idea for today's update from a front page update Corin Tucker's Stalker did last month about G4. THANKS CORIN TUCKER'S STALKER. I OWE YOU A TASTY STEAK DINNER, PAL!

One thing I didn't want to do was harp on South Park, although I did mention it in passing. Part of the reason for that is because it would basically boil down to me saying "it jumped the shark halfway through season 2" or whatever, which is really fucking lame and unfunny. Most of the reason though, is because I still don't want to admit to myself that it sucks, because I've been watching it since the 6th grade. That's an interesting story about me I hope you enjoyed it.

If you emailed me last time

Thanks a bunch, I got a ton of really awesome feedback and I appreciate it all. I didn't get to respond to everyone but I read them all and I'm really grateful. Being new and having no clue what anyone was going to think of my update was sort of nerve-wracking, so getting that kind of feedback kicked ass. Keep it coming.

This ain't the minor leagues, Paskiewicz

Local pervert and international dogpuncher Frolixo recently tried to sneak a flapjack into my griddlecakes, knowing full well that I am deathly allergic to them. Of course my MI-6 training kicked in, and I caught on instantly and tickled him into submission, but you might not be so lucky. My recommendation: Avoid him at all costs.

– Seth "Terrorsaurus" Knisley

More Daily Dirt

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.