If you've ever wondered what's-- if you can even wrap your mind around this concept-- not funny enough for the front page, boy have I got a treat for you, pardner.
We usually don't print them because they're shameful, but every writer has a huge stockpile of partially-written articles that seemed like good ideas but just didn't go anywhere. I figured I'd put up one of my failures from tonight. I didn't hate the concept, I just didn't think I could make it funny enough.
Here's my one-third-finished Oscar Night Recap, which was just a hair away from being finished up and published on the front page due to my laziness and lack of pride in my work:
Red-carpet photogs eagerly swarm Brad Pitt, who has shown up to the ceremony in full Benjamin Button "elderly toddler" makeup. Crowd disperses upon realization that it's actually Frost/Nixon star Frank Langella.
Ryan Seacrest nervously approaches Sean Penn for a red-carpet interview. Penn warns him off with a classic under-the-jacket "finger gun" gesture.
The real Brad Pitt shows up, with Angelina Jolie in tow. "Who are you wearing," asks a jubilant Seacrest; Pitt is wearing a Gaultier suit, and Jolie is wearing Diane Lane, who has been hollowed out and crudely stitched into a toga-like garment.
Seacrest breaks off from Brad Pitt mid-sentence, having been distracted by the ceremonious arrival of Kato Kaelin, nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his triumphant comeback in Dorm Daze 2: College at Sea.
Angelina Jolie's handlers arrive on the scene with cans of aerosol bug repellent due to a fly situation which has apparently developed either from her fetid flesh-toga or from the reeking line of unhygienic foreign children that trail behind her like impoverished brown ducklings.
Ceremony opens with host Hugh Jackman dancing onto the stage in a comically oversized Zoot Suit blazer. "Hugh Jackman? I thought you said Huge Jacket," the Australian heartthrob quips. The audience fails to react, and Jackman spends several minutes explaining the joke.
Jackman's countenance brightens as nervous titters break out in the audience, but the uncomfortable laughter is actually in response to Mickey Rourke urinating in an empty champagne glass to avoid having to go to the restroom during a disruptive full-volume conversation with Marisa Tomei.
Due to an envelope cock-up, Best Supporting Actress is awarded to Current Resident for her groundbreaking role in Los Angeles County Zoning Commission Semiannual Community Review Meeting. Current Resident tearfully accepts the award, thanking the Zoning Commission for the opportunity to air her concerns over the proposed skateboard park on Worthington Street.
Seriously, how did I expect to write six hundred more words of this? Hope you enjoy today's article more than you would have enjoyed this.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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