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I just want to say I'm sorry. I like this new Daily Dirt feature because it gives me a chance to explain to the victims why I subjected them to my update, and hopefully be forgiven for it. A few days ago I had a terrible dream about the circus. It had clowns cutting each other to pieces, tapirs running around with body parts in their mouths, and spiders jumping through flaming hoops. It disturbed me greatly and I had to call into work the next day so I could drink rum and play video games. I hate the circus, and had to go to one once as a child. The clowns deeply scarred my psyche and the animals looked really depressed. I perceived it as an evil place, full of lies and misery. The other part of the update was about the downtrodden women in my grandparent's generation. My grandfather's name is Norman and he expects everything out of my grandmother, even if she is no longer healthy enough. Regardless I like my grandfather, it's just something I see him do all the time.
A big thanks to my sister, Renee, who did the pictures for the update. She is a lot stranger than me. I know, it's frightening.
He's gay irl (in real life).
Hello! I bet you’re wondering why I’m writing in this Daily Dirt. Frankly, I’m wondering how I got suckered into it myself. That’s Reid for you - he sure knows how to treat his loved ones. You should see him during holidays: putting strychnine in our food; wiring up the Christmas lights so we receive a nice electrical shock when we come within five feet of the Christmas tree; and wrapping up the family dog to scare his grandmother. Yes, living with Reid is a bucket o’laughs, and he keeps me on my toes.
However, living with an insane comedy writer is not all poison and poodles. Reid is prone to suffering from bouts of depression and moodiness if his articles aren’t up to snuff. Also, since I proofread all of his articles, I am privy to what gets put down in his freeform drafts. Sometimes what comes out of this man’s mind scares me to no end. I can tell he’s going to be one of those old men who go around scaring children by making sock puppets with his penis and some electrical tape and then holding daily matinees.
In all, this has been quite a ride. I’ve watched Reid go from being a shy, timid writer to being... well, a shy, timid writer. Only now he has lots of anecdotes about unicorns and Ernest Borgnine to make himself feel better. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go cry in the closet. It’s my happy place.
My wife is just mad at me because she thinks I care more about Bubba Fett than her. Oh cool only two more hours until the movie starts! Thank God for these diapers.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!