Wildfire

Alerts appeared on the TV and on the radio. They followed one after another, day after day, always one step behind the spread of the contagion, until they just stopped coming.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

EAS MESSAGE BEGIN

MESSAGE AUTHENTICATE: DERVISH/DERVISH

This is an Emergency Action Notification (EAN) directed by the President. Normal broadcasting will cease immediately. All stations will broadcast EAN MESSAGE SIXTEEN (16) preceded by the encoded alert signal. This is a nationwide event. If it has been determined that your broadcast area requires additional instructions these will follow.

DEW (CONTAGIOUS DISEASE WARNING)

YOUR AREA IS EXPERIENCING AN UNCONTROLLED OUTBREAK OF A HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS DISEASE. YOU ARE TO REMAIN IN YOUR HOME OR OFFICE AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LEAVE YOUR AREA. EFFORTS ARE UNDERWAY TO CONTAIN THE OUTBREAK.

3.19.08

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

EAS MESSAGE BEGIN

MESSAGE AUTHENTICATE: TURNBOW/TURNBOW

This is an Emergency Action Notification (EAN) directed by the President. Normal broadcasting will cease immediately. All stations will broadcast EAN MESSAGE TWENTY ONE (21) preceded by the encoded alert signal. This is a nationwide event. If it has been determined that your broadcast area requires additional instructions these will follow.

EVI (EVACUATION IMMEDIATE)

EFFORTS ARE UNDERWAY TO ESTABLISH DISEASE QUARANTINE IN YOUR AREA. PROCEED IN AN ORDERLY FASHION NORTH ALONG EVACUATION ROUTES. FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS WHEN YOU REACH A LAW ENFORCEMENT OR MILITARY CHECKPOINT.

THE FOLLOWING COUNTIES ARE AFFECTED BY THIS ALERT: THE STATE OF FLORIDA, THE STATE OF GEORGIA, THE STATE OF ALABAMA.

3.23.08

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

EAS MESSAGE BEGIN

MESSAGE AUTHENTICATE: JUNIPER/JUNIPER

This is an Emergency Action Notification (EAN) directed by the President. Normal broadcasting will cease immediately. All stations will broadcast EAN MESSAGE TWENTY ONE (21) preceded by the encoded alert signal. This is a nationwide event. If it has been determined that your broadcast area requires additional instructions these will follow.

EVI (EVACUATION IMMEDIATE)

THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES IS NOW UNDER FEMA SHELTER PLAN FIVE. ALL CIVILIANS SHOULD IMMEDIATELY MOVE TO THE NEAREST LONG-TERM SHELTER. BROADCASTERS HAVE BEEN PROVIDED WITH A LIST OF SHELTERS FOR YOUR AREA. IF YOU HAVE INTERNET ACCESS PLEASE GO TO WWW.FEMA.GOV AND TYPE IN YOUR ZIP CODE FOR THE NEAREST SHELTER.

THE FOLLOWING SHELTERS ARE AVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA: (NULL)

3.25.08
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

EAS MESSAGE BEGIN

MESSAGE AUTHENTICATE: WHISPER/WHISPER

This is Mount Weather to any broadcasters still receiving on EAS frequencies. Our facility has been compromised. Repeat. There has been a full outbreak at MWEOC and it is no longer a viable long-term shelter. If you or your loved ones live within range of a US Military, CDC, or Continuity long-term shelter then try there.

NULL (NULL)

WE HOPE YOUR LUCK IS BETTER THAN OURS.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

3,28.08

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


The instructions the EAS messages offered only made things worse. Hours behind the front of the disease, they would send people along evacuation routes that passed through heavily infected areas or worsened the panic already boiling over in cities soon to fall to the spread of the contagion. The cable news networks trotted out analysts and retired generals. The stupid bastards had no idea what they were talking about and knew less about the situation than the FEMA people at Mount Weather. Their bad advice, like taping up windows and filling bathtubs with water, did nothing to slow the spread of the disease.

More Daily Dirt

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.