Wildfire

Alerts appeared on the TV and on the radio. They followed one after another, day after day, always one step behind the spread of the contagion, until they just stopped coming.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

EAS MESSAGE BEGIN

MESSAGE AUTHENTICATE: DERVISH/DERVISH

This is an Emergency Action Notification (EAN) directed by the President. Normal broadcasting will cease immediately. All stations will broadcast EAN MESSAGE SIXTEEN (16) preceded by the encoded alert signal. This is a nationwide event. If it has been determined that your broadcast area requires additional instructions these will follow.

DEW (CONTAGIOUS DISEASE WARNING)

YOUR AREA IS EXPERIENCING AN UNCONTROLLED OUTBREAK OF A HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS DISEASE. YOU ARE TO REMAIN IN YOUR HOME OR OFFICE AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LEAVE YOUR AREA. EFFORTS ARE UNDERWAY TO CONTAIN THE OUTBREAK.

3.19.08

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

EAS MESSAGE BEGIN

MESSAGE AUTHENTICATE: TURNBOW/TURNBOW

This is an Emergency Action Notification (EAN) directed by the President. Normal broadcasting will cease immediately. All stations will broadcast EAN MESSAGE TWENTY ONE (21) preceded by the encoded alert signal. This is a nationwide event. If it has been determined that your broadcast area requires additional instructions these will follow.

EVI (EVACUATION IMMEDIATE)

EFFORTS ARE UNDERWAY TO ESTABLISH DISEASE QUARANTINE IN YOUR AREA. PROCEED IN AN ORDERLY FASHION NORTH ALONG EVACUATION ROUTES. FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS WHEN YOU REACH A LAW ENFORCEMENT OR MILITARY CHECKPOINT.

THE FOLLOWING COUNTIES ARE AFFECTED BY THIS ALERT: THE STATE OF FLORIDA, THE STATE OF GEORGIA, THE STATE OF ALABAMA.

3.23.08

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

EAS MESSAGE BEGIN

MESSAGE AUTHENTICATE: JUNIPER/JUNIPER

This is an Emergency Action Notification (EAN) directed by the President. Normal broadcasting will cease immediately. All stations will broadcast EAN MESSAGE TWENTY ONE (21) preceded by the encoded alert signal. This is a nationwide event. If it has been determined that your broadcast area requires additional instructions these will follow.

EVI (EVACUATION IMMEDIATE)

THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES IS NOW UNDER FEMA SHELTER PLAN FIVE. ALL CIVILIANS SHOULD IMMEDIATELY MOVE TO THE NEAREST LONG-TERM SHELTER. BROADCASTERS HAVE BEEN PROVIDED WITH A LIST OF SHELTERS FOR YOUR AREA. IF YOU HAVE INTERNET ACCESS PLEASE GO TO WWW.FEMA.GOV AND TYPE IN YOUR ZIP CODE FOR THE NEAREST SHELTER.

THE FOLLOWING SHELTERS ARE AVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA: (NULL)

3.25.08
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

EAS MESSAGE BEGIN

MESSAGE AUTHENTICATE: WHISPER/WHISPER

This is Mount Weather to any broadcasters still receiving on EAS frequencies. Our facility has been compromised. Repeat. There has been a full outbreak at MWEOC and it is no longer a viable long-term shelter. If you or your loved ones live within range of a US Military, CDC, or Continuity long-term shelter then try there.

NULL (NULL)

WE HOPE YOUR LUCK IS BETTER THAN OURS.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

3,28.08

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


The instructions the EAS messages offered only made things worse. Hours behind the front of the disease, they would send people along evacuation routes that passed through heavily infected areas or worsened the panic already boiling over in cities soon to fall to the spread of the contagion. The cable news networks trotted out analysts and retired generals. The stupid bastards had no idea what they were talking about and knew less about the situation than the FEMA people at Mount Weather. Their bad advice, like taping up windows and filling bathtubs with water, did nothing to slow the spread of the disease.

More Daily Dirt

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.