CDC PATHOLOGY REPORT
Neurological Subduction Syndrome (NSS)
Dr. Lyle D. Joffries, DNP
NSS is a multi-stage neurological syndrome caused by parasitic fungus (Cordyceps Wyndhamii) of unknown origin.
Vectors: Airborne spores are in evidence over most of the globe and even small concentrations can cause NSS when inhaled. In particularly high airborne concentrations NSS can also be contracted through open wounds and mucus membranes.
Treatment: Aerosol Hexazine Dioxopryl (AGENT RED) kills spores on contact. When inhaled the compound neutralizes the spores within the host. However, it may take minutes to hours of constant exposure to HD gas to eliminate all spore clusters. Intravenous Hexazine Dioxopryl (COUNTERACT) accelerates the process.
Prognosis: NSS cannot be combated by the immune system and few patients recover fully from HD gas exposure, the side-effects of which are painful at best and fatal in many cases. Cognitive ability is slow to return and months of physical and psychological therapy may be required to restore a former host to a semblance of normalcy.
Recommendation: My recommendation coincides with the vote I will cast at the steering committee. I am advocating for the mass dispersal of HD gas on the surface. Casualties will be substantial and the defoliation of nearly the entire planet may result, but we know this is better than the alternatives. The soil contamination will be short-lived and we can continue to survive on hydroponic stocks until we can replant the surface.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
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