UNDISPUTED FACT: The things that live on the bottom of the ocean are so horrible that THEY SHOULD ALL BE KILLED AS SOON AS WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY

More Joke Ruining

Chicken Sunday started as a joke my friends Nick, Chris, and I made up when we wanted to eat at Chik-Fil-A on a Sunday, but couldn't because they are one of the few fast food places that actually observes laws from The Bible. Of course, this means nothing to all of you, but I wanted to give them a little credit, as our bullshitting eventually snowballed into this update, which contains mostly original material! Good show!

I WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT'Sup.On the last Daily Dirt I asked you bums to send me your questions about SCHOOL TROUBLE so I could answer them. Here goes something for a third or possibly fourth time!

I am a ficticious student at a school somewhere. I'm not all "gangsta", but I don't wanna be hit with a shovel every day. I can deal with unpopularity, but my face is getting more and more... gone. Please help!

You bastard. You have the power of fiction on your side, and you're writing to me about having problems? Well, right now I'm hungry, but I can't just go fiction myself up a sandwich. I exist in reality, which means I have to go to the kitchen, apply things to bread, and then there's all that spreading... I'd better just commit suicide to save myself the torment. As for you, I recommend you fiction yourself up a wacky professor friend who will make you a potion which allows you to grow to the size of 300 feet. You may starve to death, but you'll get something more important than life - respect.

You could also shoot up the school.

Dear Bob,

I am a sixteen year old dude, who due to extenuating circumstances is technically a highschool graduate. Needless to say, at this point in my life I should be worried about chicks and getting a shitty part-time job, and not what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, but sadly, I don't have that luxuy. My old man say's he's "cutting off my life-support" if I don't get my ass moving. So should I go to community college for now, and prep myself for my scholastic future or should I waste the next two years of my life in a shitty job, saving up cash for college and a car?

-Dave

Dave - You screwed up, but we can fix this. Why don't you turn your life into a fun coming-of-age teen movie? Just borrow a little of the fiction world from our friend above, and you can almost hear the movie trailer.

James Wilson is a high school graduate. He's got friends, a car, and a lot of free time on his hands. The only problem is- He's sixteen? *record scratch* (Smash Mouth's "All-Star" begins playing) Now, he's got to prove to his dad that he can handle the responsibility, and help a very special professor develop a growth formula. The only problem is- The professor works at an all-girls school? *record scratch* (Walkin' On Sunshine begins playing) And while James has a chance to get the girl of his dreams, one slip up and he's out of his school, and his home! This Fall - "Kill Yourself."

hi bob, school is soooo stupid who needs to learn about predicatives. seriously grown ups don't understand kids today and our needs

-thanks bob

Yeah why don't you drink a Capri-Sun about it already

Hello Bob,

One of my school mates is a midget with a bad temper. In fact more of a midget. He's smaller then a midget and actually uses a scooter to get around. The big problem is that he's a dick. He insults every one, smacks every one, and over all has a sense of un-deserved accomplishment.

Every one hates him, trouble is we can't touch him. I would love to pound his face in, but lets face it, That's a bit too evil since he's a midget of a midget. Tell me what can I do to get even that won't make me feel bad?

Okay, this has come up before a few times here already. Two words: growth potion. And if you aren't a part of fiction, you could smear some crap all over his little scooter. Then when he drives by, you can be all, "Hey crap-scooter statistics indicate that your condition will cause many health problems in the future!"

How can I make the professors give me a passing grade without putting any effort into learning their stupid crap?

Only take communications classes.

ENOUGH!

I've had a lot of fun answering all of your questions during these past Daily Dirts, but I've helped so many people that I've come down with altruism fatigue. This is why the interactive part of Daily Dirt for next time will be your Chicken Sunday fanart! Yes, you, who is no doubt longing to rejoin your World of Warcraft clan, already in progress! Just e-mail your entries to [email protected], and the best/only three will be featured in the next self-gratifying installment of... THE DIRT!

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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