The Holiday edition of Sunday Snort Report. Tonight we have a special correspondance brought to you by our anchor Robert "Fenis Pace" Smith.
National: According to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, George Bush probably said something dumb in a speech and may look like a monkey or possibly be Adolph Hitler. When reached for comment the President lied and I died.
International: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that the holocaust didn’t happen. I’m pretty sure it did happen and a lot of people died. When reached for a comment the President fell out of a guard tower and I died.
Entertainment: Brokeback Mountain edged out the film adaptation of the Broadway smash Rent to take the #1 spot as gayest movie in America. If you see either of these movies it makes you gay. I don't want to be gay so I am not going to see either of these movies. If you're already gay it’s probably ok to see these movies because that’s your thing I guess so you’d probably like it even though it’s really gross and quite frankly an abomination.
Stanley "Tookie" Williams was executed by lethal injection in California early Tuesday. He was a member of the crips along with snoop dogg and a bunch of other black people. Anyway he's dead.
This week in history:
1799- George Washington dies at his home in Martha's Vineyard.
Though he does not live to see the end of the war he had wooden teeth and chopped down a cherry tree. Anyway he's dead.
1978-United States announced that it would now recognize communist China. It probably took so long because they all look the same! Hahahahahahhaha! You can use that one if you want. I don’t mind.
Oh man do you remember two years ago when captured Saddam Hussein? We dragged him out of that hole and he looked all haggard. And now he’s on trial and acting all crazy and ranting and raving. Damn it seems like only yesterday you know?
Oh man do you remember Ectocooler? Shit, good times man.
On to you, Kevin "TheGoblin" Wilson.
This is Kevin "TheGoblin" Wilson, reporting to you live from the basement that Robert "Fenis Pace" Smith threw me into after he cracked me over the head with a baseball bat. It's been two weeks since I've seen anyone or done anything but cry myself to sleep in a puddle of misery! The radio that I can hear through the steel door said that tomorrow might be sunny, so I hope you got your sunglasses out! Myself, I haven't seen light in over a week so my eyes have probably dilated to the size of olives right now. I imagine if I even looked at the dull glow of a cell phone my eyes would melt out of my sockets like porridge! But don't worry about me, just keep a look out for that cold front I was hearing about before I got stuffed into a sack.
Have a good sunday!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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