Zack: You have journeyed far across the beautiful countryside of Geoff to the Barrier Peaks and walked inside a UFO, but you don't know it's a UFO. You see a different part of wall.
Steve: I try putting a dollar in the slot.
Zack: It spits it back out.
Steve: I check to make sure it doesn't have any creases or bent corners.
Zack: No, it's a perfectly new Geoff Buck.
Steve: I put it in the slot again.
Zack: A light flashes above the door and there is a bong. The door starts to open.
Steve: I didn't pick what I wanted yet!
Steve: Ahhhhh I didn't want that!
Zack: The door has vended Carrot Dudes and a Fish Dog.Steve: "Eat hell and back to hell with you!" I bellow with the frostbitten rage of a thousand glaciers and unleash my axe on them.
Zack: They are slain. Carrot juice is everywhere. There is a button with an arrow pointing up inside the vending machine.Steve: I attack the button with my axe, but less forcefully than before.
Zack: The doors close and the vending machine shakes. You are vended onto another area! You are in a hallway with wall-to-wall Berber carpet, but you don't know what that is because you have only ever seen hair carpet.
Steve: I'm not impressed.
Zack: Maybe what is trundling down the hall towards you will impress you!
Steve: He looks reasonable. "I say, metal man, how do I vend myself back to where I was?"
Zack: Beep boop beep boop beep.Steve: If he's just going to repeat back everything I say in a mocking tone like that then I don't see any point sticking around.
Zack: There's a door just behind the robot. "Skeleton's Office" is written on the door in stenciled lettering.
Steve: Well, I do have a skeleton. This robot is no help. I'll see if the skeleton can tell me anything.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.