Steve: Spider Office!
Zack: This is Main Room. It's the most important room in the ship. There are a lot of doors. There is a big one to the south and a series of normal-sized doors to the west.
Steve: Do any of the doors say anything about vending maintenance?
Zack: No, there is nothing written on any of the doors. When you walk near one you do hear a strange buzzing sound coming from the other side.
Steve: I ready my axe and throw open the door!
Zack: There is a fat robot inside. He looks at you with surprise. "Occupied!" he shouts and tries to cover up what he is doing.
Steve: What was he doing!?
Zack: It looks like he might have been welding himself.
Steve: Was he damaged?
Zack: No and he's getting very agitated that you're still standing there.
Steve: I yell, "Bro I just want to get out of here! Do you know how to make the vending machine take me back to the first level?"
Zack: He notices you are holding the Skeleton Bathroom Key. He yells at you,"Hey, you were supposed to return that at the desk. You're why we have to go through Checkpoint Charlie when we want to up our pooping averages."
Steve: I'm going to tell him that the leader board in the bathroom said skeleton poopers, not robot poopers, so he's not even qualified.
Zack: "Pooping average is superior, not skeleton, calculating new leader board position..." You hear gears turning and grinding faster and faster. It sounds like he's trying to calculate, but is experiencing some sort of logic error.
Zack: He's starting to glow red and steam is coming out of his ears.
Steve: That's an ear?
Zack: Suddenly, he turns away and starts welding himself again.
Steve: He's not going to explode?
Zack: You don't know. He starts grunting. Now he's welding up and down repeatedly.
Steve: Aw man forget this! I am going back out of here and into the main room. I want to go through the big door.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.