Zack: From the book: "You ride easily on the southern branch of the trail. While keeping a watchful eye all around you, you are able to thoroughly enjoy the sights and sounds of an autumn forest. Then from close ahead, you hear harsh, labored breathing, and a steady tapping noise. Your horses snort and their ears flatten, as if they've caught some foul scent. Then, the reason comes staggering into view. A withered old man, leaning heavily on a staff comes from around a bend in the forest and lurches toward you. His head is bent; he sees only the ground before him. Slowly, he seems to realize that he is not alone. His head snaps up, and you look into his wild, crazed eyes. He flings both arms wide, almost falls, and screams, ''STOP!'"
Steve: Wait a second I don't have a horse. Where did these horses come from?
Zack: You found them earlier. I skipped over some parts.
Steve: Parts? I don't trust these horses that just appeared out of nowhere. How do I know they aren't working for the enemy?
Zack: You're just going to reject free horses?
Steve: I don't know, am I, Decider?
Zack: "These horses are incredible. Such horses I have not seen in all my years as an axe. What a pleasure to ride upon them."
Steve: Dean Snakehands agrees but eyes the Decider warily and suspecting of his ulterior motives.
Zack: When you've finished having your conversation with your axe the old man starts flailing his arms around and yelling. "I have waited! Pondered! Searched! Suffered! Seen! From the furnace of desolation I have come, bearing the truth that is mine alone! Leviathan is come, and the boundaries of earth and air, fire and water, shall be swept away! Twoscore minions has he, and they shall smite down the doers of evil, as a woodsman fells the oak and pine! With the strength of a giant and the voice of an army, he is come! BEWARE!"
Steve: "Fear not, crazy old man, for I venture towards this direction at this very instant and will surely encounter this beast and slay it in seconds as all foes must succumb to my martial majesty."
Zack: The old man continues to flail his arms around and portend doom.Steve: Does he seem credible?
Zack: As far as emaciated, shrieking old men you meet wandering out of a desert, yes. Unimpeachable.
Steve: Alright, me and the Decider are continuing on, but we will be wary of any twoscore minions of the leviathan or treachery from the horses.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.