Steve: Sounds like a pretty awkward gaming session.
Zack: Yeah, most of the crap stuffed into these books strike me as the sort of thing guys would write down on their character sheets or storytellers would put into an adventure and then chicken out when they're staring across the table at a guy who hasn't shaved in two months.
Steve: How would you play it "mature"?
Steve: "You arrive at the Fortress of Crimson Ice and a door opens and there are ghosts banging everywhere in every position. It's crazy ghost sex all over the place."
Zack: "You see ten Slimers pulling a train on Bob Cratchet."
Steve: Those aren't hotdogs in Slimer's mouth!
Zack: "Hamlet's father is rubbing his balls up against Casper's face and they're bored by it. They don't care anymore. Balls are all over everyone's faces. This happens at all times."
Steve: Patrick Swayze is making a clay pot with his butthole. He's winking at you and making the BJ motion.
Zack: "And when you get to the general store and tell the clerk about the hitch hiker you picked up dressed as a cheerleader the old clerk says there was no hitch hiker it was the girl who was hit by a car 20 years ago! And she peed on your feet!"
Steve: Actually dude this sounds like the best game ever.
Zack: Also the most mature.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.