When we last left our intrepid investigators, Kurt Cobain, Eazy-E and Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, the group had traveled to East Chicago to track down a serial killer whose murders are part of a pattern designed to summon a powerful and sinister entity. Shortly after their arrival, Kurt broke away from the group to score heroin from a gross prostitute who turned out to be harboring ghouls in her motel. Can Cobain's martial arts skills save him from his predicament? Will his guts be ghoul chow?
Steve: Alright, dude, you just wandered into an ambush in a fat prostitute's motel room. The floor is littered with rotting meat and gnawed bones. The fat prostitute is wielding a machete and you have one action before the ghouls enter combat.
Zack: Kurt Cobain is dual wielding his tonfas to incapacitate the prostitute. He is highly experienced in the Thai martial art of Krabi Krabong (60%) following his time as a South African mercenary fighting in Southeast Asia.
Steve: Alright, even though you are at -20% because of your junkie shakes, you lash out with your tonfas, expertly blocking the incoming machete attack and striking the prostitute on the head to incapacitate her. She he is stunned and drops to her knees with a thud.
Zack: Snap her neck.
Steve: What, seriously?
Zack: Only god forgives! Snap her neck!
Steve: Kurt Cobain grabs her head and twists it, loudly snapping her neck. The ghouls hesitate.
Zack: "Dinner time, boys!" Kurt growls and kicks her in the direction of the ghouls.
Steve: She weighs like 300 pounds.
Zack: So she doesn't make it very far.
Steve: You kick her lifeless carcass onto the floor. The ghouls look from her to you and they seem intimidated by your fighting skills.
Zack: I strike a menacing martial arts pose with my tonfas.
Steve: They snarl at you but they don't come any closer.
Zack: I'm going to start clacking my tonfas together and try to drive them back into the bathroom and shut them in it.
Steve: They do retreat to the bathroom, but as you get closer you realize there is no floor and it's just an open tunnel to their underground warren.
Zack: That's disturbing. But we have more important things to deal with. Like where this harlot stashed her horse.
Steve: You search the motel room but only find more guts and rotting meat. There doesn't seem to be any heroin.
Zack: Did she seem high on heroin?
Steve: You couldn't tell.
Zack: I'm thinking maybe try injecting some of her blood to get high from that, but on the other hand he would probably have to inject a lot of it.
Steve: I'll just tell you straight up that she was not high on heroin.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.