Zack: After a few minutes the van rocks as a pressure wave washes over it. A huge fireball rises into the air. The entire front of the campaign office has been blown inward. Left Eye is standing there silhouetted by the flames in her giant hat, condom eye patch, neon orange overalls and with a pacifier in her mouth. She looks like a total badass.
Steve: Dude! We gotta ransack this place quick. All hands on deck.
Zack: Kurt is stoned out of his mind.
Steve: Can he help?
Zack: Sure. He just laughs the whole time and thinks everything is a butterfly.
Steve: Do we find anything interesting?
Zack: Nothing specifically mythos related. There is a smashed gem on the floor. There is a room in the back where there is a super-heavy safe and scraping on the floor as if there was some other big piece if equipment. You realize the safe is lead-lined. In addition to a bunch of marketing material sporting giant cartoons mouths and American flags for Morton Downey Jr. '92, there are also a number of brochures in support of nuclear energy. They are all from that same group Americans for Energy Prosperity.
Steve: Clearly they were storing something radioactive in the safe. Is there an address for this Americans for Prosperity group?
Zack: They're located in Salton City in the desolate Salton Sea area of California.
Steve: What about the smashed gem? Could we get it identified?
Zack: Courtney Love happens to be an expert minerologist and is deeply versed in the occult uses of crystals and other stones.
Steve: Let's go talk to her and find out about this crystal, then we can check out the Salton City place.
Zack: Next time!
Steve: Aaawwwww come on!
Zack: (Don Pardo voice) Nexxxxxxxt tiiiIIIiimme!
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Today's viral teen news beat, brought to you by Mike from the Internet!
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.