Steve: Kurt and Left Eye pass. Eazy-E fails.
Zack: E loses 5 sanity so he goes immediately and temporarily insane. In this case I am going to say he starts babbling, but instead of just regular babbling he starts singing high-speed reggae.
Steve: Like Snow?
Zack: Yes. All of the lyrics are horrible mythos secrets.
Steve: Like Snow?
Zack: Yes, except instead of singing about Toronto he is singing about the cold plateau of Leng. There is still the part about the detective and the strip search though.
Steve: So is this lady shooting at us or what?
Zack: She says what might be, "Stay back" and then, "You can't stop us!"
Steve: Since Kurt is high and Eazy-E is rapping I am going to have Left Eye try to reason with her. "Look, lady, we want to help you. What happened here?"
Zack: She starts laughing. As she's laughing she puts the pistol to the side of her head and pulls the trigger. Her brains splatter all over the machine.
Steve: Ohhhhhhh! I could have gone all day without seeing that!
Zack: As your ears stop ringing you hear another sound that sends a chill up your back: sirens. Lots of sirens.
Steve: We've got to get back to the van.
Zack: As you climb out of the pit you see that the parking lot is already swarming with cop cars. You see guys in FBI jackets taking up positions and a helicopter thumping in the sky overhead.
Steve: Shit. Let me ask you something.
Steve: In his current condition, can Eazy-E summon a Servitor of the Outer Gods?
Zack: Oh my god, yes. I don't know if the rules say yes, but for purposes of comedy, I say yes.
Steve: Activating flute.
Zack: Next timeeeeeeeee!
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.