Steve: How does the ritual work?
Zack: You play the flute and concentrate your magical energy on the summoning and binding. There is probably more to it from a ritual standpoint, like it works much better on an unhallowed time, but since this is the location of a massacre I'll count this as an unhallowed location. You tell me how many magic points you want to spend to cast the spell. The more you spend the more likely it is to work.
Steve: Eazy-E has 17 so I guess all but the 1 point I need to stay conscious.
Zack: E begins to pipe on the flute. At first it's disjointed and ugly. It becomes an increasingly strange and hypnotic anti-melody. Kurt and Left Eye aren't even sure how E is playing the flute after a while because it sounds like three or four flutes at once. It starts to become very cold, so cold they see their breath, but E is sweating like crazy. Meanwhile, you can hear the cops banging at the vault door. After a couple minutes of silence you start to hear drilling. It sounds like they're trying to take the reinforced door off its hinges.
Steve: Lock and load, babies. Kurt racks his shotgun. Left Eye turns on her flamethrower.
Zack: One of the hinges is unscrewed and the door leans in a few inches. Flashlight beams sweep through the screw holes. You can hear voices, although it's becoming difficult as E's flute playing is building to a nightmare crescendo.
Steve: I'm starting to think maybe we shouldn't have summoned this monster.
Zack: What could possibly go wrong with summoning one of the timeless heralds of Azathoth?
Steve: Nothing comes to mind.
Zack: Frost spreads over every surface in the room. For a moment you see disturbing patterns formed in the ice crystals. The cops are almost through the door. It begins to sag into the room. You hear shouting and flashlight beams spear into the misty room.
Steve: Kurt is going to lay waste to Agent Mulder if he tries to come through that door.
Zack: E lowers the flute from his lips, but the piping continues. Maddening and melodious, the sound seems to reach across the void. With a final peal of inhuman music, the Servitor of the Outer Gods appears in your midst. It is like an amorphous toad the size of a draft horse. It has two huge eyes of watery yellow and many tendrils that cradle a strange instrument.
Zack: Eazy-E loses four sanity from casting the spell.
Steve: Station! Is it bound?
Zack: It looks expectantly at E. It is bound and will follow one command.
Steve: Is this like a genie where Station will twist my words around on me?
Zack: No, but you do have to speak to it in reggae talk. Also everybody needs to make a sanity check. Kurt still has the bonus for being super high. Also it is not named Station.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.