Steve: Won't that destroy the earth?
Zack: Not just the earth, also the moon.
Steve: What else?
Zack: This is a terrible idea, all around, but your best bet is probably a Night Gaunt. It's like a weird black humanoid with no face and big leathery wings.
Steve: Yo, Station, summon a Night Gaunt and have it spook the cops so we can get in there and steal a catering truck.
Zack: Station pipes on his flute for a little while, inscribes a strange symbol on a stone with his own blood, and then the night itself seems to come to life. A featureless man of pure black drops down to the ground between the police manning the barricade. Before they can react, he picks them up by their necks and lifts them silently into the night sky. It all happens so quickly that no one really comprehends what they witnessed.
Steve: We're driving over to that catering truck and backing up so we can get Station directly from the van and into the truck.
Zack: Kurt cuts through traffic and backs up behind the catering truck. At about that time you hear a loud THUMP...THUMP as two cops fall onto the asphalt and splatter. People begin screaming immediately.
Steve: We need to hurry it up so their sacrifice was not in vain.
Zack: You get Station loaded in with all the food carts and pile into the catering truck.
Steve: Taking it up to the loading area of the theater.
Zack: You get to the loading area and you are flagged down by a Secret Service agent. "Please open the back of the vehicle so we can have a look."
Steve: Kurt is like "Uhhhhhhh...there are souffles in there and if we don't get them inside right away they're going to collapse."
Zack: He's not buying it. He's about to call you in on his radio when he gets an odd look on his face. He leans into the truck and says, "Hey, aren't you from that group TLC?"
Steve: Oh yeah, Left Eye will lay on the charm. "Yeah, I have to dance tonight in the opening act for the debate."
Zack: I didn't know there was a dance number.
Steve: Yeah, well I dance and sing the national anthem. You know.
Zack: Well, you better get inside then, it's about to start. Let me just have a quick look in the back.
Steve: Sure. Kurt opens the back.
Zack: The Secret Service agent just stares at the Servitor crowded in there with all the pastry carts. He is completely catatonic.
Steve: Hurry up and get back in the truck. Drive over to the loading area.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.