Steve: Your mouth begins to feel numb. The numbness spreads to your entire body and the world begins to darken. You realize you are no longer standing in the greenhouse but atop a black, rocky plain strewn with crystal formations. The sky is dark except for the occasional flash of purple lightning.
Zack: Before I do anything else I take a long drink of my mint julep.
Steve: It's gone.
Zack: I begin to scream.
Steve: You are alone and naked.
Zack: The worst sort of naked to be. Is there anything remarkable about the crystals?
Steve: Some of them are as big as trees and with each strike of the lightning they seem to vibrate.
Zack: I'm going to make sure no ghosts or ghoulies are watching and then rub my naked body all over a crystal.
Steve: It's sort of warm and tingly.
Zack: How warm and tingly?
Steve: Like 100 degrees and like a bunch of static electricity.
Zack: Not bad, but I've rubbed up against better crystals.
Steve: You are rubbing your body all over a crystal when you notice a horrible spider-limbed creature with long, skinny legs and a skinny body. It seems to be rapidly approaching.
Zack: "Ooh no, this ain't good." I'm gonna start hollering and running from it.
Steve: It's much faster than you. It looks at you with bulging eyes all over and opens its fanged mouth ready to bite you. It's as big as a horse.
Zack: "I'm sorry I touched your crystals! I won't do it again!"
Steve: It rears back to shred your face with its talons and suddenly you are back in the greenhouse, standing fulling clothed. Your mouth tastes all funny from the plant. "Are you alright?" asks Pips. "We were worried. You were screaming about crystals."
Zack: "You should try that plant, it's great." I say.
Steve: Pips doesn't believe you.
Zack: "Chang, get over here. Eat some of these leaves. They are delicious." I cover my mouth and say to the others, "They are not delicious at all. They are the worst thing."
Steve: Chang refuses. He says, "No thank you, senor. I am full."
Zack: I pat his belly. "Too much pie, you Chinee glutton? Fair enough. Let's be off before a devil spider appears and eats us all."
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.