Zack: "Whew, I'm pooped." I sit down at a chair if there is one and drink the rest of my mint julep.
Steve: Pips searches the policeman and finds a revolver. Regina discovers a series of books that are labeled as Corbitt's journals. She begins reading them aloud.
Zack: "It's a little late. Can I get a summary, sugar?"
Steve: "He's going crazy and hardly remembers anything. He's got some guy named Tomaszewski who is an orderly giving him body parts that he sends to the dump. Your neighbor is using them to attach to the child. I believe he keeps it down here somewhere."
Zack: "You mean that thing?" I say, and kick a giblet of the hoppy harlot we just dispatched.
Steve: "No, I think it's something different. And bigger, judging by how many body parts he has been getting for it."
Zack: "Well, where is it?"
Steve: At that moment you hear a thump from outside the hall. Following the sound, you discover a false panel in the wall. It corresponds to where you saw the light and heard the electrical sounds earlier. A search locates a hidden latch to open the panel. There is a terrible smell seeping through the wall.
Zack: "Alright everybody, this is it. Brace yourselves. There is going to be something really gross and weird behind this door. Y'all know it." I open the door.
Steve: You open the panel and a circle of light spills into the filthy chamber. Brown sludge is smeared on the floor and nearby wall. A gurgling grows louder and a sound, like a huge baby cooing, accompanies the sight of a monstrosity that turns your stomach and threatens to ruin your mind. It looks like a fleshy, gooey potato covered in child limbs. It walks on child legs and waves child arms at you. Weird lung things open and close and a huge sphincter on its top is constantly pooping out brown goop. A sucker mouth on its underside slurps and wheezes.
Zack: "Pips, shoot it."
Steve: Pips calmly puts the gun to his temple and pulls the trigger, blowing his brains all over Chang who stands there blinking in surprise.
Zack: "Nooo, Pips, that's not what I meant by 'shoot it'!" With a sigh I pick up the gun.
Steve: The creature is coming towards you. It does not seem violent, although it stops and makes a faint crying sound when Pips shoots himself.
Zack: "Get back!" I say, as much to the others as to this monstrosity. I begin firing the policeman's pistol at the creature.
Steve: The bullets easily hit it and pierce its wobbling body. Black blood squirts out all over the place and the creature begins shrieking and flailing its arms. It punches Regina and Wanda, driving them back. Chang remains frozen in shock. You fire off the last of your bullets and the creature is still coming.
Zack: "Useless," I chastise Chang and seize his saber. I am good with a saber and heartened by the proud heritage of the South as I fend off the creature's attacks.
Steve: With help from Wanda and Regina, who scream and swing their swords wildly, you manage to drive the creature back and finall it falls to the floor of its chamber.
Zack: I am going to collect evidence and go back to my house. The police need to be telephone. Again.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.