Zack: "You are standing at the Ready Room door to the Danger Room, a huge room designed to challenge and sharpen your mutant powers. Through alien technology, the room can simulate any terrain or opponent. Right now, nothing is showing but bare walls, though those bare walls may conceal any number of traps. At the far end of the room is a square cage, with an X-Man trapped inside. The voice of Charles Xavier, founder of the X-Men, crackles over the loudspeaker. "Good morning, X-Men. This morning's exercise is a simple rescue. Your teammate is held captive in a cage that prevents him from using his powers. You must rescue him. You may begin anytime."
Steve: Who is in the cage?
Steve: So he can't use his blades to cut through the bars?
Zack: No, because he is just a goal to be rescued. He worked it all out with Professor X beforehand. He can't help the other X-Men rescue him.
Steve: Well that sucks super bad because I know how to think like Wolverine but I can't envision the terrible suckiness of being like Rogue or Colossus or whatever.
Zack: Wolverine is in a cage. How are the other X-Men going to get him out?
Steve: Okay Colossus gets super strong in metal man form so he is going to turn into a metal man and throw Kitty Pryde at the cage and then when she gets to the cage she is going to turn her molecules transparent so she can pass through the cage.
Zack: Colossus transforms into his metal man form and hurls Kitty Pryde across the Danger Room. At the last moment before she collides with the cage she turns intangible, passes through the bars, out the other side and lands on the ground. Wolverine is still trapped. Metal hoops fly out of the wall and start chasing Rogue and Storm around the air.
Steve: Storm bellows with rage and shouts "you know what lightning does to a bunch of sucky hoops??" and she blasts the hoops and says "I guess that's what it does huh." Rogue doesn't really have any powers so I guess she's screwed. Oh, but wait, she'll take her boobs out.
Zack: Storm destroys the hoops chasing her, Rogue takes her boobs out and then is immediately captured by the hoops. Professor X says over the microphone, "This is inappropriate Danger Room behavior you are going to be written up for this!"
Steve: Good Nightcrawler is going to teleport into the cage.
Zack: He misses and appears behind the cage next to Kitty Pryde. Metal tentacles come out of the ground and grab Colossus and start trying to capture him.
Steve: Colossus bellows with important anger and unleashes an unruly uproar of kicks and moves on the tentacles which easily overwhelms them I am sure.Zack: Colossus is captured. More tentacles surge out of the ground and capture Night Crawler and Kitty Pride. Four ghosts appears in the air surrounding Storm.
Steve: Storm is going to smile and say, "Four ghosts? Hmmm looks like it might almost be an even fight for me" and then she is going to tornado the crap out of them.Zack: Storm conjures a small tornado inside the Danger Room. It agitates the ghosts slightly and then dissipates. They immediately fly at her and drain her power until she is knocked out. The simulation ends and the Danger Room reconfigures back to normal. Wolverine disappears. He was only an illusion. Professor X says, "That was a pitiful performance X-Men, but there is no time to discuss it further. Someone has broken into the mansion and they are approaching the kitchen."
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.