Zack: There's a giant chunk of text to read so I'm just going to paraphrase. After the battle Professor X hauls the Fixer into his private office. After a couple hours he comes back out and the Fixer's nose is re-attached through mind-stitches and Professor X plays a video tape that Fixer brought along that shows Wolverine brutally murdering the Fixer's friend, a mutant named Mentallo. Wolverine has never met Mentallo before.
Steve: Wolverine gets up indignantly and shouts, "That tape must be from the future because I haven't murdered Mentallo yet."
Zack: The Fixer gets all angry, but then Professor X says he can use Cerebro to find Mentallo if he's still alive. Professor X tells you that Mentallo is located at the place in the video, an abandoned cannery called Minski's.
Steve: Alright we're taking the jet.
Zack: It's close enough to take a car.
Steve: Why take a car when you can take a jet? No, we're taking the jet.
Zack: Alright, fine. The Fixer insists on going with you.
Steve: He must want to see if the prophecy is as it was foretold by the ancients in that videotape. Alright, sure. Wolverine says, "It's time to rattle the cages."
Zack: "Minski's is an abandoned food canning factory in a seedy section of the city. Its doors and windows have been nailed and chained shut, making them Excellent Strength material. The only things on the roof are a billboard sign, a skylight, a water tower, dust and soot."
Steve: Destroying the water tower with a missile and landing on the roof and dropping in the through the sky light.
Zack: The EXPLODING water tower shatters the skylight and you land on the roof in your huge, supersonic jet. You lower yourselves into the dingy cannery. The factory floor has been cleared out and the only thing down there is a high-tech machine. Mentallo is strapped to the machine, his head covered by a glass helmet filled with pale, red gas. As soon as you land on the floor laser cannons pop out of the walls and start shooting at you. You can see a Force Field around the machine.Steve: This seems like it might be a trap. "You're not going to stop us Mentallo!" Wolverine bellows and jumps at the lasers. Storm is going to shoot lightning bolts at the force field and Rogue is going to take her boobs out again.
Zack: Laser beams shoot out and strike Wolverine as he jumps up and attacks one of the laser cannons, destroying it. Storms lightning damages but doesn't drop the force field and Rogue's boobs get zapped by a laser. She is knocked down by the titty-searing force of the beams. The Fixer seems as confused by the situation as you.
Steve: Colossus is going to get between Rogue's boobs and the remaining laser, everybody else will keep attacking.
Zack: The laser beams stagger Colossus with their force, but in a moment Wolverine EXPLODES the surviving laser cannon and Storm drops the force field. Your clever plan has succeeded.Steve: "It looks like your trap failed, Mentallo!" Wolverine bellows as he tears the gas helmet off Mentallo and then kills him.
Zack: Alright, Wolverine tears the helmet off Mentallo and he awakens. A powerful force throws Wolverine away and Mentallo begins to fly up towards the skylight using his mental energy. The Fixer follows after him using his jetpack.
Steve: "Dastards!" Wolverine shouts and he chases after Mentallo. Storm is going to shoot lightning at the Fixer's jetpack.
Zack: The Fixer dodges and weaves through the lightning, but finally one strikes his jetpack and it EXPLODES consuming him in a fireball. Wolverine leaps up the stairs and follows Mentallo onto the roof. "Fool, I was a prisoner of that machine!" Mentallo screams.Steve: "Tell it to the devil when you see him in the eternity of hell, DEADtallo!" Wolverine shouts and then says "It it just as the prophecy foretold and now you die!" And he brutally kills Mentallo with his claws.
Zack: The X-Men fly up to the roof and watch in stunned horror as Wolverine chops up Mentallo with his claws just like in the video you watched earlier. Wolverine kicks the corpse off the roof and turns and you notice that there are pieces of robots that look like Wolverine and Mentallo.
Steve: I wonder what those are for. Oh well, we're leaving in our jet.
Zack: Before you leave Professor X makes a brain phone call to Nightcrawler and tells him to recover the robot parts, which he does. Then you leave in your jet.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.