Zack: Alright, you are trapped inside a survival bunker by paranoia and the possible obliteration of all life on the surface. Your master is the automated system that dispenses food, water and information to you.
Steve: Describe him to me.
Zack: Your master is nine feet tall and sixteen feet wide, constantly humming ominously. He sits in the bare concrete chamber where he was constructed. His surface is covered with dials and knobs of inscrutable purpose.
Zack: At irregular intervals a machine will clatter inside him and a slip of paper no larger than a fortune from a fortune cookie will be dispensed. At other times he will dispense tablets, hard biscuits, or pouches containing a sweet juice drink.
Steve: What's his name?
Steve: I begin to flirt with him using my boobs.
Zack: You swing your boobs around and rub your boobs all over him, but he does not seem interested.
Steve: Hm, a tough nut to crack. I will use my fake crying power and pretend to be very sad that he is ignoring me.Zack: After an irregular interval there is a clatter of machinery from within your master and a slip of paper falls from his slot.
Steve: Yes! I grab the sheet of paper.
Zack: It reads "Dispose of waste in ventilation shaft C14." On the reverse side it reads, "Drink fruit flavored sachets to remain hydrated."
Steve: I giggle and shake my boobs all around and say, "Hee hee your juice liquid is meow the best nutrient master."
Zack: You are so excited you get a bloody nose.
Steve: I begin bellowing and punching myself in the face which makes me super turned on.
Zack: There's blood everywhere now, all over your master.
Steve: I'm going to clean him so well. I will get my buster sword and use it to clean him.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.