Steve: The spoilers for this adventure sound like we might be fighting Garfield.
Zack: You're not far off. Imagine Garfield if every day was a Monday.
Steve: Bottomless hatred.
Zack: Alright, in the weeks following Pips' funeral, you have been socializing with Cecil and his eccentric friends. Today Cecil has asked you to drive your circus truck, along with Cecil, Regina and Wanda, to an antique sale in Innsmouth. Sharon is driving along in her own car on a lark and Chang the Celestial is riding with you because he has been paid three dollars by Cecil to act as an interpreter in the event there are any Oriental merchantmen. Cecil is a bit of a spendthrift with his inheritance and wants your brawn and your truck to transport antique furniture.
Steve: "Samson does not back down from foe!"
Zack: "You say that now, but when you're carrying a black cherry chifferobe up my spiral staircase you go on and say that again."
Steve: "Never surrender!" I bellow, loud enough to rattle the heavens.
Zack: You're so busy rattling the heavens with your proclamation that you fail to notice a small boy running out into the misty roadway. You slam on the brakes and nearly crash the truck into a ditch.
Steve: I leap from the truck in a fury and shout, "Foolish urchin, I tear out your arms!"
Zack: The boy is scraped up from diving out of the way of the truck. He sits in the roadway, shoeless and threadbare, clutching his knee and crying.
Steve: Samson cannot stand to see a child suffer. He picks the boy up from the roadway and carries him over to the truck.
Zack: "I'm sorry," cries the pitiful child.
Zack: "What is a barefooted negro doing in these parts?" asks Cecil.
Steve: "A good question, what is name and why are you here?"
Zack: "My name is Joe and my sister's in a peck of trouble," the boy explains. "I was hopin' to find Master Gist up here. Somehow I just know he'd be willin' to help." You learn the boy has traveled all the way from South Carolina by any means possible, looking for a man named Albert Gist. Joe doesn't even know that he is in Arkham, just that he has a "feeling" Albert Gist lives in the town and he desperately needs his help.
Steve: "We find Albert Gist! Get in truck!"
Zack: Cecil harrumphs that he will miss the antique sale, but agrees an adventure is afoot.
Steve: Samson packed a lunch for later of pickled eggs and a beet and a jar of water. He gives this to Joe.
Zack: Joe gratefully stuffs himself.
Steve: Good. Eat food. Now we must find Albert Gist. I will drive to a police station and ask a policeman.
Zack: You drive downtown and a policeman brings you a telephone directory. A quick search of the alphabet reveals Gist is living just south of town in a rented farmhouse. The policeman knows him and seems to think he is a professor of some sort.
Steve: "He is close, Joe," says Samson, placing the boy onto his shoulders. "We will find this man and I will crush him in revenge for what he has done."
Zack: "Oh no, Mister Samson," says Joe. "I need his help. Don't hurt him."
Steve: "I am corrected."
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.