Steve: Knowing Cthulhu we'd better do some research. I drive to the library before we set out for South Carolina.
Zack: Albert Gist seems a little put off that you plan to kill his brother.
Steve: "This is natural order of things. A bird. A bee. A skull like a giant egg in my hands, crushing until yolk explodes between my finger. It is like sun rise and sun set."
Zack: At the library you discover nothing, because you do not know how to use a library.
Steve: "Library will pay. I swear it."
Zack: Regina, however, tracks down a newspaper article about a voodoo ritual being disrupted at the plantation. Sounds like the magic has been going on for a long time.
Steve: "Evil things are happening in this location," says Samson. "We should go there now. Joe, your sister may already be sacrificed in blood ritual or fed to zombie. Maybe she is a zombie or a sex slave to evil god only imaginable in dreams. Could be this has happened."
Zack: Joe begins to cry and you get a dirty looks from Sharon and Chang, who escort Joe out of earshot.
Steve: "Ah children are so emotional. Let us go and murder these people."
Zack: Again, Albert is not very happy with your death threats.
Steve: "He can ride on roof of truck."
Zack: It is a long, unpleasant journey to Charleston with many pit stops and much complaining from Cecil. Exhausted from a day and night on the road, you find a motor lodge. Cecil is not happy with the surroundings when he discovers the bathtub is full of cockroaches.
Steve: "Sharon woman, come to room and we will make powerful baby."
Zack: She is not swayed by your seduction, but Regina Shackleford seems to be flirty.
Steve: I reject her untrustworthy relationship with books. She is ally of library, therefore enemy of me.
Zack: You sleep alone and awaken to a scream. The pre-dawn of Charleston is lit by a roaring fire as flames consume your truck. Bullets cook off in the back with firecracker pops.
Steve: "Noooo! My favorite truck! Also, only truck!"
Zack: "I guess this puts next month's antique auction in Bellingham in doubt."
Steve: In a fury I will smash out a window.
Zack: Sharon yelps in shock as you have broken out the window to her room. A moment later Chang emerges from the same room wrapped in a blanket. He curses you in his heathen tongue.
Steve: "Oh sure be angry at me about window. In case you have not noticed, truck is melting."
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.