Zack: You follow the passage for some time. Suddenly, your gypsy senses detect a secret door in the wall on the left.
Steve: I will listen at the doorway for any monsters.
Zack: You hear voices, but you can't hear what they are saying.
Steve: I tell the baby to use his ESP.
Zack: He uses it, but refuses to say what's in the room. He just starts laughing.
Steve: Alright, I will go into the room with my spear ready.
Zack: You enter what appears to be a supply room for Questlandia. It contains various building materials like sacks of mortar and bricks. There is not much of use here unless you are finishing a dungeon. Four gnomes are pulling on a rope, two at each end. As you watch one side gets the better of the struggle and the winners fall to the ground, laughing. They all start laughing and slapping each other. They haven't noticed you yet.
Steve: I hurl my spear at the toughest looking gnome.
Zack: You hurl your spear at the gnome with gynecomastia. It impales him through the heart and his twitching corpse is pinned to the wall. He vomits blood from his dead body. The other gnomes stop wriggling around and laughing immediately and they look at the dead gnome and begin screaming with terror.
Zack: The wizards watch as you chase the gnomes around the room, brutally dispatching them with your spear and gypsy claws. As you crush the last one, hardly bigger than a crumb, beneath a brick, you hear a slow clapping begin. The wizards are applauding your orgy of violence.
Steve: Finally, a little respect! I order them to search the gnomes for treasure.
Zack: Oh, they of course refuse and wander out into the hall.Steve: Alright, any other doors from this room?
Zack: No and as you continue down the hall it branches slightly to the right and left.
Steve: Go to the right.
Zack: After a minute or so the hallway, now built-up again, dead-ends. There is a hallway to the left and, using your gypsy senses, you can detect a secret door to the right.
Steve: Secret door.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.