Steve: Ahhhh! That doesn't look good.
Zack: You march from your ship to a huge deposit of glod. It isn't an easy hike. The terrain is broken by loose stones and boulders and there are large crevasses you have to work your way around. Along the way you come upon several caves glowing with glod. The deposits are small, but you and the crew are able to chisel some off the walls.
Steve: What does it taste like?
Zack: What? Metal. It tastes like metal.
Steve: Not all metal tastes the same. Put a penny in your mouth for a couple seconds, then do the same with a dime. Totally different flavor.
Zack: Okay, Steve, it doesn't matter, but let's just say the glod is fucking unbelievable. It's the most delicious metal you've ever tasted.
Steve: Even better than tin?
Zack: Yes. It makes tin look like a gas station hot dog. This is the most delicious metal ore you have ever tasted.
Steve: Well I'm not eating it because people don't eat metal. We'd probably get pretty sick eating metal.
Zack: Alright, while you're standing around licking pieces of metal you chiseled off the wall of a cave you fail to notice the approach of a massive, evil, skull-headed cat monster. "Rawr! Who dares trespass on my planet?"
Steve: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see a sign that said evil skull cat's volcano planet keep off. We'll just be on our way and by on our way I mean on our way to kicking your skully ass and harvesting all your delicious gold."
Zack: The cat meows brazenly in your direction and challenges you. "Answer my riddles. If you get one right you can ask me a riddle. If you get one wrong I'll kill you. Ready?"
Steve: Yeah, sure, this sounds like a great deal.
Zack: "Fire within, yet I burn cold. I never touch the things I hold. What am I?"Steve: Uh super easy. Containment field on the dilithium in our spelljammer drive.
Zack: "Wrong! A mirror! Prepare to die!"
Steve: Instead of preparing to die we're going to attack him.
Zack: After a bloody scrum that leaves a dozen red shirts maimed beyond recognition including several genital maimings you manage to defeat the astro sphinx. Unfortunately, the glod loses its luster on the voyage back to the Mouse Planet. It was just fool's gold.
Steve: Delicious fool's gold.
Master is troll wizard, so's if he get angry he might cast spell up on my self and bite off my whole head in one chomp.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Kirk Cameron destroys the internet with his rage and jacks it to boats, hallelujah!
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.