Zack: "The idea I want to convey is that--" *pukes rainbow colors down his shirt*
Steve: So it's Rifts, only it makes even less sense. Like instead of all these alternate realities coming together we're supposed to believe that there are robots and mutants flying in antigravity bikes next door to a castle full of orcs. And this is naturally how it evolved or whatever?
Zack: *nods and points to vomit*
Steve: This guy is maybe the greatest genius of our time.
Zack: "Do you doubt me, Steve? Need I take down my display claymore from beside my largest of wizard posters?"
Steve: No way do I doubt Raven. He has created the ultimate one book system. Beside the Bible.
Zack: *starts walking towards claymore*
Zack: 800 million years ago there was a superbadass dude with a giant wiener and like ten thousand girlfriends and his name was Raven c.s. McCracken. And he was so badass God spaketh, "Woah, I'll just get out of your way dude."
Steve: Can you honestly say the world wouldn't be better off with Raven as our omnipotent god instead of whatever?
Zack: All of his miracles would be endless wheelies and lighter tricks. And he would constantly send magic ladies down to earth carrying swords and giving quests.
Steve: And that is worse how? The world sucks, bro. Face it. All of the miracles you read about are like Jesus face appearing on a bagel. Jesus face appearing on a pancake. We get it, you love breakfast. Raven would be flying around in a floating castle and sending dragons to destroy kingdoms.
Zack: And on Ravenday he rested.
Steve: No way that's when you practice your sword moves with topless amazons and get top score record on all video games ever made including the ones that haven't been made yet.
Steve: And all his priests would be like characters kids send into Marvel when they do one of those "suggest a superhero" contests they used to do.
Zack: Infinite Powerman and Sun Blaster can fly in their invisible submarine/spaceship and can teleport anywhere and are the strongest.
Steve: And afterward they can hang out with Sex Girlfriend and Lady Hot Butt.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.