Unexpected Life Cycle Award
Zack: To be clear: before a will-o-wisp turns into a ball of energy it is a shape changer that poses as the creepy naked guy who follows you around trying to sell your girlfriend a friendship bracelet at Burning Man.
Steve: Hairy butt man is just one of many forms. He could be a goblin or a kobold or even a man with no hair at all.
Zack: That guy was at Burning Man too.
Steve: Was The Burning Man that movie where they put the bee helmet on Nicolas Cage? That movie ruled. He was like, "Aawwwgh beeeees!" Ha ha.
Zack: Alright, I just looked this thing up on Google because we got angry emails for making fun of mythical creatures. There really was an old English mythical creature called a boggart, but it was more like a mischievous asshole faerie that broke into your house and pissed in your milk or scared your cow or whatever.
Steve: No hairy butts wagging in the night?
Zack: Wikipedia says, "It is said that the boggart crawls into people's beds at night and puts a clammy hand on their faces."
Steve: Do you think that would cause 2-12 points of electricity damage?
Zack: Have you ever left the window open at night when it's warm, but around two in the morning you wake up and it's really cold?
Steve: Yeah, that happened a couple days ago.
Zack: How much electricity damage did you take?
Steve: None I don't think. Maybe 1 point at the most.
Zack: This is the same sort of thing.
Steve: But I didn't wake up with some creepy dude rubbing my face.
Zack: What about a kobold or goblin?
Steve: No but one time I had a dream that the guy from Hall and Oates was force feeding me oatmeal. That was pretty creepy.
Zack: Which one?
Steve: It was Oates, duh.
Zack: You should see a doctor right away.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
It's time we stop tolerating lawlessness in our cities and coddling these criminals. Twenty seconds to comply is too long for ED-209 to get the job done.
Expendable? You must be joking.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.