Zack: Why is this picture reminding me of The Shining?
Steve: Is it because both of them rule hard?
Zack: No, I don't think it's that. Steve, what the fuck is going on here?
Steve: Huh!? Dude, it's dog men. They're called Dog Packs. The Coalition uses them to hunt down mages and demons and psychics.
Zack: "Look out Miss Cleo, de skull mon send de dogs for ya now, chile!"
Zack: Don't patronize me, Steven. It was a terrible joke.
Zack: My question is why did they turn the dogs into humans and then give them all knives? It seems like it would be way better to just breed a giant dog that, you know, uses its natural knives in its mouth to bite things instead of some sort of stabby/cudgeling asshole man dog.
Steve: Do you really want to know why they made the dogs people?
Zack: No, I don't. But go ahead because I know you want to tell me.
Steve: It's because in Rifts there's two types of damage. One type is called SDC or Structural Damage Capacity and the other is called MDC or Mega Damage Capacity. One point of MDC is equal to 100 points of SDC.
Zack: This is sounding really spergy.
Steve: So if you have a regular human who has like 75 SDC or hit points (they're the same thing basically) then he takes one point of MDC from like a vibro knife then he is dead instantly. And a vibro knife could do like 1d6+2 or something.
Zack: So, there are two types of oh fuck this I don't care what you just said. It still isn't an argument for making them dudes because if they can turn a dog into a man can't they just give it some vibro teeth or whatever?
Steve: That's not in the book.
Zack: Admit it, they just made them humanoid so they could fuck them.
Steve: That's nasty!
Zack: Yeah. Yeah, it is, bro. It's super nasty. In your "awesome" game.
Steve: They don't mention that in the book anywhere!
Zack: Read between the lines, Steve!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.