Zack: Remember on the old GI Joe cartoons how whenever they had a really big job there would always be a bunch of those generic dudes in green uniforms hanging around? The Imperial Guard are those dudes.
Steve: They're not tough, but you get a lot of them.
Zack: They're so not tough that even their own book is full of pictures of them being killed by different aliens and enemies. The Space Marine book is all glory to the Space Marines as they gun down Orks or Eldar or whatever. The Imperial Guard are just straight up getting murdered in cold blood by whoever they are up against.
Steve: They make up for that with all of their sweet tanks though.
Zack: Yeah, tanks are real sweet. I like the artillery tanks that are super useful in a game where everybody is swinging chainsaws at each other. Maybe they could upgrade that so it has a giant bayonet on the barrel.Steve: Or some tusks.
Steve: Tyranids fly around space in giant "Hive Fleets" and they send bunches of creepy alien monsters down to eat whole planets. They're probably the scariest army. They're pretty scary. Like a 7 or 8 on the 10 point scale.
Zack: What would get a 10?
Steve: Waking up and your skin is clear and you can see all of your organs and stuff and then you look closer at your stomach and there is a little baby man inside it and he's smiling back at you.
Zack: Steve. What the hell?
Steve: You asked for a 10, I gave you a 10.
Zack: I was going to make some joke about how they stole these from Starcraft, but my heart just isn't in it anymore.
Steve: The little baby man with the smile would be in your heart and you'd be able to see it beating through the clear skin.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.