Zack: Remember on the old GI Joe cartoons how whenever they had a really big job there would always be a bunch of those generic dudes in green uniforms hanging around? The Imperial Guard are those dudes.
Steve: They're not tough, but you get a lot of them.
Zack: They're so not tough that even their own book is full of pictures of them being killed by different aliens and enemies. The Space Marine book is all glory to the Space Marines as they gun down Orks or Eldar or whatever. The Imperial Guard are just straight up getting murdered in cold blood by whoever they are up against.
Steve: They make up for that with all of their sweet tanks though.
Zack: Yeah, tanks are real sweet. I like the artillery tanks that are super useful in a game where everybody is swinging chainsaws at each other. Maybe they could upgrade that so it has a giant bayonet on the barrel.Steve: Or some tusks.
Steve: Tyranids fly around space in giant "Hive Fleets" and they send bunches of creepy alien monsters down to eat whole planets. They're probably the scariest army. They're pretty scary. Like a 7 or 8 on the 10 point scale.
Zack: What would get a 10?
Steve: Waking up and your skin is clear and you can see all of your organs and stuff and then you look closer at your stomach and there is a little baby man inside it and he's smiling back at you.
Zack: Steve. What the hell?
Steve: You asked for a 10, I gave you a 10.
Zack: I was going to make some joke about how they stole these from Starcraft, but my heart just isn't in it anymore.
Steve: The little baby man with the smile would be in your heart and you'd be able to see it beating through the clear skin.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.