Not unlike a garden variety leprechaun, it brings me great pleasure to play tricks on foolish mortals who dare contact me, through normal means or magical. Especially if they're a totally clueless teen humanitarian that doesn't realize Something Awful is a comedy site, and takes the articles 100% seriously. For instance, this Sonia broad read my "totally serious" article about how All the Children are Insane, and then she goes on a crusade to put a end to my evil ways of spiking children's apple juice with LSD, shooting up the class pet full of heroin, and putting all artists and Jews in "special schools". Of course I could of just told her that Something Awful is a humor site, and that my article was making fun of reactionary extremists, but what would be the fun in that?
From:"Sonia"
Subject: all the children are insane article

Dear Reid,

I recently read your "All the Children are Insane" article and I must say that I strongly disagree with you. Just because some teenagers on your street gave you the middle finger, that doesn't mean that all children in America are like that. And, being a teenager myself, I have to agree with you that the world that teenagers live in today and the world that you lived in when you were our age are extremely different. And you do have the right to be surprised at how kids act nowadays. But just because things aren't the way you know them to be, that doesn't mean that you should go making all these programs to help kids. The one thing that most parents, or elders, don't realize is that these programs are not going to work. So many people have tried the same way that you have. And needless to say, none of them have worked, or have made a minimal impact. Showing kids crack houses might scare them for a day or two, but as you probably have seen yourself, teenagers will still be teenagers and still go experiment, get hooked, and use drugs weekly, if not daily. What people like you are trying to do is make teenagers and kids less curious about what is out there in the world. And if we don't try it for ourselves, then how can you expect us to trust and believe the people around us that tell us that drugs are bad and we shouldn't use them when we can see for ourselves that the world is full of lying, cheating, and stealing people. Also, as a tip, if you want your drug program to work, don't make it after school because then, it is an optional program and only the kids who care about themselves and already wont be doing drugs, will go.

(And please excuse me for my language right now, but your article enraged me so much, that I just cant sit here being all polite). How the fuck can you say that the children of America are filthy dogs when you injected heroin into the class pet? And spiked their apple juice with LSD. Are you fucking insane?!?! What were you thinking?! Do you want these kids to die? And it's people like you who need the help who yell and swear at 10 year olds just because they ran over your lawn. I understand that you might worship your lawn or whatever you do, but just because they ran over your lawn with a couple of bikes, that doesn't give you the right to swear at them and threaten to burn their tree house down. And what qualifications do you have that make you think that you can teach these kids about drugs? Have you ever been addicted to drugs, had to go to rehab for them, and now are telling kids not to do drugs because they almost killed you?

And, about your "kids on the edge" section, what makes you think that isolating these kids will help killing sprees? Have you ever wondered WHY these kids might feel the need to do something like that? Well, I can tell you why. It's because they have problems, issues, and troubles in their life. They feel alone and helpless and like no one can help them. I wonder why? Its because people like you wont try and help them. They'd rather run from the problem and isolate them, making these kids feel even more alone and depressed. Also, about finding these types of kids. Yes, appearance has a lot to do with personality. But not all of the time. Just because they have a Jewish nose or doodles on their homework doesn't mean they are going to go on a killing spree. Someone could be a straight edge Jew, or just have a love for drawing, but you aren't going to take these people out of school just for their background (which, may I add, is religious persecution) or their talent. Also, if a child has an independent thought or original idea, you should support this. You should support when kids think of something for themselves. People like you who try to brainwash these kids are just making matters so much worse than you claim they already are. Ok. If you truly want kids to not do drugs and go killing people, how do you suppose putting trackers and blow up head options are going to help? Seriously, think about it. You're a fucking jackshit stupid asshole who doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

And about your stupid little video games, look on the news. Every single day somebody is killed and another hundred are injured. Kids who play video games like the ones you mentioned already know this, so it doesn't do fucking shit if you make these new games. And as you saw for yourself, your stupid idea failed.

And Reid, why don't YOU think about it. What you've done isn't going to help one single child in America. And I'm pretty sure that not only have you not made a positive impact, you've made a deep and horrible scar on every single child who has read your article or has come across you.

Wow. I don't know how many children read Something Awful articles, but if mine had the equivalent effect of a trusted uncle molesting them while setting their favorite pet on fire, I'm truly sorry and will pay 15% of the therapy bills. What gets me about this silly bint is that is that she seems to be articulate, and able to make proper sentences. How can somebody be dense enough to think this article as real, yet still figure out how to turn on a computer? A google search yielded that she was taking a novice reading course so she should be able to detect some kind of satire or sarcasm. I decided right away to get a little crazy since it was obvious she believes everything she reads on the internet.

From: "Frolixo"
Subject: Re:all the children are insane article

It's sassy teenagers like you that are causing all the problems in the world today. I found your letter to be rambling and quite uncouth. I know all about kids and have personally talked to a few when they wander on my lawn. I usually try to capture the children in a large net so they can be punished for their crimes. How else will they learn about respecting other people's properties if they are not shown by whipping their backs with a hot coil? The parents won't do anything. They're to busy watching their exercise tapes and having sex with robots. You are a fool!

It's clear that the only way we can return the school system to normal is to clean out the filthy children that think apart from the pack, the kids who wear black and worship Satan, the Jews, the artists, the black children who listen to jungle music, all of them. Our children must be taught the right things when they are growing up or they'll grow up to be cowboys, or worse, a comedy site webmaster.

In closing, go take a novice reading course you dumb floozy.

ps. pix plz

I figured that would make her get really angry again. I like my women angry and dogmatic. My main goal now was to have her send me her picture so we can start dating. Online the internet.

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