|From: "Dr.Ben Chumas" |
Subject: Re: OH MY CHRIST, I LOVE LAGOS!!!
Thanks for your email response of the instant. Let me start by saying that I am completely overwhelmed by the story you narrated about a similar transaction that you got involved in and on which you have not heard from your supposed partner.Again I am short of words and this is more so because I have not met you in person.You do not know me.Inspite of this however something in me is telling me that I can work with you.Indeed I want to state that there is always the invisible hands of providence in the affairs of men particularly in things of this sort.
Now what I have proposed is a very serious business which is also meant for very serious people.Everything is ready here.Also I can effect the transfer within a couple of banking days.But if the truth must be told, it is to say that procesing the transfer would require some money.This is because a whole lot of documentation is involved coupled with paying for the services of the attorney (lawyer)that would handle all the legal aspect of the transaction.But I have also made some preparations.I quite appreciated the need to process and transfer out the funds as quickly as possible and so I had to make some contingency plans for this.But in addition,I would need your financial assistnce should my budget not be enough to carry the transaction through.
Note however that I am on telephone number: 234-1-4734203.Again I am on this line for 24 hours of the day.This is to say that you can reach me all through the 24 hours of the day. I have nothing to hide and that I can give you my coordinates all through to my house here. Let us do the transaction.I am ready to work with you.Let me also receive your telephone number so that I can call you should the need arise so as to clarify any ambiguities with you. Finally please take note of my new email address.It is:[email protected] all messages to me should be sent through the new email address.
Woah! Suddenly Ben turned into a doctor! And moved to Asia! What a guy! He even offered me "coordinates all through his house," which I guess would be helpful if I ever plan on doing a treasure hunt or calling in mortar strikes in his kitchen. How could I resist such a charmer? Simple enough: I couldn't! And what the hell is up with this "invisible hands of providence" crap? Is the guy hinting that he wants to feel me up? If so, I hope they take his medical license away because that's bad business no matter how you look at it, my friend!
|From: "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka" |
Subject: I can trust you, Dr. Ben!
Dear Mr. Dr. Ben Chumas
Thank you very much for your prompt reply. I did not know you were a doctor! This just reaffirms my belief that you are a fine upstanding citizen whom I can trust implicitly, just like my brother George who is a doctor. He recently won over $500,000 at the racetrack after betting on the horse "Mama's Leaky Cyst", and if George can make this kind of money by being a doctor who specializes in footbone replacement jaw surgery, I know I can trust you to do the same!
You mentioned "the invisible hands of providence in the affairs of men," and I cannot agree with you more. I feel invisible hands all over me right now, Doctor Ben, and they're pushing me to help you out. If I didn't feel like I had Jesus in the brain right now, I might be more cautious, but I feel you are a trustworthy individual whom I can try to help out for this experience of a lifetime.
I understand that the transfer of all that money will cost a piggy penny, as I've seen how they transport money to the Nike Shoe Deposit at the outlet mall where I live on the I-5, and I bet it costs money to operate those armored trucks and pay the guys who drive them and carry the large bags of money. I also know how much lawyers cost, because when I fell out of the tree at Fenway Park I needed to get a lawyer and settle out of court with the bird trainer who was clearly at fault. I know how expensive these things are, so just tell me what amount of money I need to send and I'll start withdrawing it from my "Rainy Day Christmas" fund so we can get the proverbial "ball" rolling, Doctor Ben. Oh sweet Christ, let's get balls rolling.
Thank you very much for offering me the coordinates all through to your house, but that won't be necessary. My parents airline chartering service isn't working this week, so I can't come visit you until either next week or later, depending on if I can find somebody to look over my emu farm. It's hard to find good animal workers where I live, so it might take me some time to physically meet up with you. In the meantime, could you please send me a preliminary estimation of how much money you'll need to get this plan started? As I said before, I've got more than enough "mad money" saved up from the time I sold all those Harry Potter snuff porn books on eBay.
I feel more than ever that the invisible hands of providence in my affairs are gently gliding me to do business with you and your glory hole. Please write back at once and let me know what to do next.
Thank you kindly,
- Ricardo Kyanikana
Poor Dr. Ben. I think I'm abusing that doctor / patient relationship that I once saw on that one episode of "ER" where the girl died because she ate a briefcase infected with AIDS or something. Dr. Ben is a good doctor though, so he showed how willing he was to work with me.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Our Something Awful email pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these email pranks are all - unfortunately - real.