|From: "Dr.Ben Chumas" |
Subject: Re: Dr. Ben for President in 1997!
Thanks for your mail. The details I need are, the name of the bank, the address of the bank, account name, account number etc. But why are you reluctant to call me on telephone number:234-1-4734203 ?Why also are you reluctant to release your own telephone number to me ? Pleaase act fast now so that the proposed transaction could be rolled off the ground.
Hoping to hear from you ASAP.
Uh oh! Dr. Ben is on to me! I think he's playing good cop / bad cop on me! Luckily I'm dumb cop, so his Vulcan Jedi mind tricks do not work on me!
|From: "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka" |
Subject: Hold me forever
Dear Doctor Balm-
Sorry I haven't called you, but my sister in law has been using my phone and she used up all our minutes this month, so I have to get a new phone and car. I swear, the lady is driving me crazy. I was hoping our mobile phone company, L.Crabs JunglePhono, would reactivate my account with a new phone number this weekend, but either they are out of the office or something. I apologize, but my sister in law spends all day on the phone and she stole all of my minutes and my eyesight with her crazy shenanigans, so we had to cut off her phone number and put her back into the Basement Rocket, which is what we call the storage closet in the basement that the air vent goes into and makes all these crazy noises nonstop and belches coal dust all over the place.
Regardless, I am very sorry for not contacting you. Once I go to L. Crabs JunglePhono on Monday and get my new phone number created, I will call you on it and give you my bank information. Like I said, I would've done so earlier, but my stupid sister in law completely demolished my phone with her face and now I just have to wait to get a new number. Sometimes it's really hard living in a house with your wife, nine kids, her parents, her sister, and your brother and his two kids and their grandparents and their grandparents' daughters. It's like a madhouse in here, lots of arguing, fisticuffs, entrenchment in forbidden drama, and all that crazy family stuff. It's enough to make me insane! But I'm not insane and I think all the puppets know this.
In the meantime, I was able to dig up some of my old bank account statements and stuff. Keep in mind that I'm not good with bank stuff so this may not be what you're looking for, but perhaps this can help you in some way before I visit my bank tomorrow. Here's a copy of the information:
Like I said, I'm not sure what all this means, but I'm hoping some of it is helpful to you. I'll get concrete information when I go to the bank tomorrow and get my phone service turned on (unless, of course, my sister in law escapes from the Basement Rocket and tries to drive my car into Deadman's Gulch like she did last time she ran out of painkillers and was convinced the color pink was trying to murder her mother). I'll call you from the bank and I'll ask them "Give me all the Nigeria information" and tell you all of it. Or would you like me to put one of the bank tellers on the phone so they can speak to you personally? I know one of the ladies there, she's really nice, you could lick syrup off her sweet ass, especially if you're a doctor of the forbidden arts, Dr. Ben.
Anyway, please get back to me as soon as you can to let me know if this will work for you. If I don't hear from you by Monday, I will assume you are dead.
- Ricardo Kyanikana
I have no idea what those random numbers and gibberish in the middle means, except the third line is a whole bunch of lousy chess moves. As anybody with medical experience can see, I appear to have severe mental problems. Fortunately, I don't think they know what brains are or how to study them in Nigeria / Asia, because Dr. Ben still seemed excited to do business with me.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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