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Hey kids! Looking for the hottest new toy this holiday season? Why not grab an awesome new old

Accept no imposters! These are genuine replicas of the original Possessed Dummy From Hell as seen in the 1927 Smithy Brothers feature film release, "Softshoe Sully Takes a Holiday." This authentic Possessed Dummy From Hell is guaranteed to contain the spirit of an evil minor deity or greater inside, granting it the following inherent skills and talents:

Levitation - Amaze family and friends by lifting them five feet into the air and casually flinging their lifeless bodies into a nearby wall! The Possessed Dummy From Hell is a one man magic show, defying gravity and conventional physics with the powers of his patented glowing eye technology from 3M! Authentic fishing wire and long wooden poles not included.

Fun Murder Mysteries - Invite a group of guests over for Boxing Day festivities and watch as they mysteriously disappear one by one! Try to guess who's lifeless corpse will appear in the Frigidaire next!

Patented Glowing Eye Technology From 3M - Most cinematic scholars agree that the climax of "Softshoe Sully Takes a Holiday" occurs roughly 163 minutes into the film, when protagonist Softshoe Sully opens the wooden chest his sailor uncle left in his basement and discovers the Possessed Dummy From Hell, whose eyes briefly glow before organ music begins to play and the movie cuts to a blank screen reading, "SHOCKED SULLY BEATS A HASTY RETREAT." These glowing eyes scared "the hinders" off audiences in the late 1920s, so just imagine the raw terror they'll cause these days! Probably a lot! Maybe even more. If that wasn't scary enough, and we assure you it certainly is, the Possessed Dummy From Hell has the ability to slowly slide his eyes from one side to the other when somebody walks in front of him. We've seen a ton of movies, and let us tell you, there's apparently nothing scarier than that, except maybe that scene where the horse falls off the boat in "The Ring."

Act now and receive a ketchup packet full of grey blood that you can drip out of the corner of your mouth to infer that you are dead. Make sure to roll your eyes up too or else all the flappers and Gibson Girls simply won't find the act believable enough. Call 1-800-FOR-DUMY and ask for Paco. He will know who you are and where you live. Possessed Dummy From Hell is fully USB 2.0 compatible.


If purchasing American flags, yellow ribbon bumper stickers, and Dale Earnhardt collectible plates aren't able to accurately convey just how much you never forgot, show your pride by building your own

Consumer watchdog groups naively claimed we ran out of ways to successfully milk the American public out of their hard-earned money after we exhausted our supply of official American flags manufactured in communist China and memorial diamond rings mined by African slave labor. But we haven't even begun to tap into the limitless financial wealth of Americans who stupidly purchase expensive do-it-yourself crap and spend roughly 20 minutes attempting to assemble it before giving up and throwing the mess in the back of their garage along with their George Foreman grills and exercise bikes. The new Do-It-Yourself WTC Memorial Kit comes with the following remarkably patriotic items:

374 pounds of burnt, twisted, disfigured scrap metal authentically hand-crafted by authentic patriotic Mexicans to resemble actual burnt, twisted, disfigured scrap metal
A burlap bag full of charred bricks and concrete built from smaller charred bricks and concrete
374 pounds of red, white, and blue confetti for your very own tasteful and touching 9/11 parades featuring you and your dog and select kitchen appliances
A bronze plaque memorial celebrating the brave crew of the Columbia space shuttle who died protecting the WTC from Iraqi terrorists who uploaded a computer virus into their ship while President Bill Pullman watched on and prayed inside a Ford truck

Prove to the rest of the American public how patriotic you are by purchasing a memorial more expensive than any rival WTC memorials! Each WTC Memorial Kit ships with a piece of paper listing how much you love America by measuring your patriotism in our very own patented unit, the Americon™. Buy two WTC Memorial Kits and receive a complimentary 874 bonus Americons™, redeemable for a free tattoo of a crying bald eagle or a large foam glove reading "LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT."