That's So Raven: The Game: The TV Series: The Reality Show
So You Think You're a Mummy?
Are You Duller Than a Sixth Grader?
The Great Miscarriage Race
Child Swamp Creature
Hat Swamp Creature
America's Next Top Abortion
Fetus Dance Showdown
Shocking True Tales of Hollywood Ink Cartridge Replacement
Bagging and Tagging Celebrities With Your Host William Amez
Let's Get Fat, America
Celebrity Hair Loss Challenge
Celebrity Limb Loss Challenge
Escape From Public High School
One Old Man Tries to Fight 30 6-Year Olds
Burn My House
VH1 Presents: Holy Shit, I Remember Ecto Cooler Too!
Celebrity Coming Out Club
Joe Rogan Annoys People On the Streets
Paint Your Cat!
Superstars of America's Americans
Where Mah Baby Girl Go?
Let's Fuck Right Here In Front of your Parents
Creepy-Ass Midgets on the Farm? What the Hell?
Paris Hilton Briefs the President on Middle Eastern Affairs
Paris Hilton Eats a Sugar Cube While Picking Up DirecTV Signals Through Her Vile Eyeball
A Bunch of Fratboys Drink Beer and Make Out With Each Other and Thanks to Our Shady Contract, We Don't Have to Pay Them Shit
Bumfight: The Epic Motion Picture Event
Nicole Richie Learns to Read
America's Got a Lot of Welfare Babies!
American's Next Top Canada
The Princess Diana Ross Show
The Princess Diana "Bob" Ross Show
Let's Get Hurt!
Lose Weight, Feel Great, Bear Bait
Fat Tattooed Guys Judged by God
The Last Great Dance Off
America, You've Got Debt!
Celebrity Wheelbarrow Racing
Where My Pants?
So You Think You Can Sweat?
Let's Put Bees, Bees In Your Eyes
Punch Carrottop, Win a Car
500 Pounds of Shellfish
Are You Man Enough to Divorce Your Wife?
America's Got Child Support
Are You Hornier Than a Fourth Grader?
Eviction: Retirement Home Reality
The Hummer Gas Guzzling Challenge Sponsored by Chevron
Get Away With Murder!
Candice Bergen Presents: Find My Career!
Oil Slick Wrestling
So You Want to Be a Webmaster?
America's Got Severe Crippling Back Issues
Celebrity Bad Check Writing
Are Your Smarter Than a Strogg?
Escape From Gary Busey's Gigantic Teeth
Totem Pole Challenge
Impregnate These Teens!
So You've Got Cancer
Help! My Mom Dresses Like a Whore
Celebrity Tire Swap
Lawns of the Rich and Famous
Rumpus Room Wrestling
That's the Pitts!
The Sims: New York
Paint My Paint
Celebrity Boat Fucking
The Great Sperm Adventure
America's Got Gridlock
MTV's Reverse Zoo
Hey I Know That Ho
Dining With Delby
So You Think You Can Think?
Chef Pissing Contest
Find The Cure!
Celebrity Bench Pressing
Trapped in Idaho
So You Want to Work at Denny's?
Holy Shit, Clowns!
Hollywood Poop Scoop
Pop Culture Vomit
Hollywood Hat Trick
Planet Mike Sweeney
True Tales of Toast
God I Love Movies!
Here Comes Grandma
Paris Hilton "Sweating," "Breathing at a Slightly Increased Rate" Posted Jun 17th 2007 9:36 AM byDMZ Staff
DMZ has learned from "inside sources" that media sensation-cum-incarcerated prison princess Paris Hilton has been "sweating" and "breathing at a slightly increased rate." What could this possibly mean? We asked our on-staff medical expert Randy Velonhausen.
"She's undoubtedly scared to death. She is hyperventilating from humiliation and abject terror. She realizes she's nothing but an untalented idiot making millions of dollars from other untalented idiots who hate her. It's a well known medical condition called 'bagleaducitis.' The second, and final step in this tragic medical condition is, of course, death."
Prison officials sent us a press release claiming Hilton had finished working out in the exercise room, and she was not, in fact, "dying from 'bagleaducitis,' whatever that may be."
EDITOR'S NOTE: We were unable to locate a photo of Paris Hilton anywhere on the internet, so we instead used a picture of a mule wearing a hat. Please pretend one of his eyes is floating off at an ungodly, horrifying 65-degree angle.
Ain't No Burger Time in Prison! Posted Jun 17th 2007 9:31 AM byDMZ Staff
Is Paris itching for a good burger in prison? Looks like she picked the wrong place to get tossed into the slammer! DMZ has exclusively obtained this menu from the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood:
Looks like little Miss Hilton won't be dining on her standard fare of $10,000 quail eggs, solid gold milkshakes, and power bars made out of decommissioned WWII fighter jets. We contacted a famous psychologist and asked him what affect this menu would have on the frightened, horrified Hilton.
"You want me to analyze a menu and predict its effects on a celebrity?" Dr. Raymond Chung asked us, probably because he was jealous we obtained such a hot scoop of incredible information. "This isn't even a menu. It's written on the back of an elementary school math test, which got a 37% grade. Even if this was a real menu, why would anybody care? Do people honestly think about this kind of thing? Who the hell is Paris Hilton anyway?"
After showing him the notorious video of Miss Hilton showering some oral ecstasy upon Rick Salomon, then explaining this is why she's a world-renowned celebrity worth millions of dollars, Chung replied, "this is a nice tape. It's like watching night vision Navy SEAL footage of some deep sea creature attempting to swallow an albino's thumb."
Cleanup on Aisle Spears! Posted Jun 17th 2007 9:01 AM byDMZ Staff
Looks like party girl Britney Spears didn't even bother trying to cover up her Hollywood sexscapades last night after coming home at a VERY late 6:32 AM! Our spies in the streets spotted this incriminating evidence from her night on the town:
The single mother of two was apparently "slumming it up" with her various friends, described by an eyewitness as "dumb sluts who were acting all rich and shit like they were better than me." But what surprised all of us was the -very- obvious batch of DNA resting on her left shoe! When you're out painting the town red, make sure there's some left over for your shoe when somebody hits you one more time, Brit!
UPDATE: Britney's PR agent has informed us the "white splotch" is simply the reflection of street light. We aren't buying it though... when's the last time a light bulb has appeared on your shoe? This ain't the Virgin Mary for crying out loud!
UPDATE #2: Our expert photo analyst Hank "Penguin Rolls" Martz suggested perhaps the white splotch is bird poop, which begs the question: why are you covering yourself with bird shit and semen, Miss Spears?
Hilton Possibly DEAD?!? Posted Jun 17th 2007 8:32 AM byDMZ Staff
Is Paris Hilton no more? Decide for yourself after reading this EXCLUSIVE scoop we got from our source inside the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood:
Last night at 10:00 PM, when we turned off all the lights and made the prisoners go to sleep, I noticed Miss Hilton walk to her bed, go underneath the covers, and place her head on the pillow.
After casually observing her constantly (I made sure not to miss one second of action by taping my eyes open and freely urinating in my pants), I realized Miss Hilton had been laying motionless in bed for over five hours. It is now 3:52 AM and she is still motionless. Has something happened to her? Perhaps her heart, wracked with fear and anguish, simply gave up? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Actually I am a doctor but I'm just not a very good one so I don't know.
We consulted our on-staff internet doctor and asked if Miss Hilton could possibly be dead. "Definitely," he replied. "There is little to no doubt she is dead. She is showing all the classic symptoms of being very dead, which includes not moving no matter how long somebody stares at you." To demonstrate, our internet doctor showed us a picture of a corpse. It did not move, just like Miss Hilton. We looked at the image for at least two hours, just to make sure. No movement. We even checked the file extension.
We contacted Hilton's PR agent who replied, "to the best of my knowledge, no, she is not dead." After an extensive, 50-minute long grilling session, the PR agent eventually conceded, "I cannot say with 100% certainty that she is not dead, no," which leads us to wonder: how many times Hilton could've possibly died in prison without anybody knowing?
EDITOR'S NOTE: We were unable to locate a photo of Paris Hilton anywhere on the internet, so we instead used a picture of a horse preparing to eat some grass. Pretend the horse is carrying a $1000 handbag and has a face so shiny that radio waves are reflecting off it.
Mysterious Objects Discovered in Lohan's Feces Posted Jun 17th 2007 8:13 AM byDMZ Staff
After a grueling eight-hour nonstop party at trendy Hollywood nightclub Raspberry's, Lindsay Lohan apparently excused herself to use the restroom. What came out of this self-destructing supernova of cinema stardom will shock you:
As you can plainly see, little loco Lohan apparently got all juiced up and began swallowing her own teeth! The coked up, drunken debutante reportedly ordered one too many hard ciders at Raspberry's, stumbled into the restroom, and returned minus one yellowed tooth!
Don't be shocked though; this isn't anything new to Hollywood claims bigwig celebrity analyst Fredrick Peter Von Meyers. "Celebrities have been eating their own teeth for years now. It all started back in 1976 when Peter Fonda, then filming Futureworld, was kicked in the jaw by an animatronic doctor delivering an animatronic baby from an animatronic vagina. His tooth flew free and he accidentally swallowed it. Well Stuart Margolin saw this and thought Fonda did it on purpose, so during dinner that night, he knocked out one of his molars, placed it inside his coffee, and drank it. And you know what they say in Hollywood: once Stuart Margolin does it, wait 15 minutes and EVERYBODY will be doing it. Toothgulping has continued to be the craze since then, and really, Lohan's behavior doesn't surprise me at all."
Witnesses claim Lohan possessed all visible teeth after the party ended, which leads us to suspect she either broke off one in the back or stole a tooth from a member of her entourage. Vanessa Minnillo, smile for the camera!
Presidential Candidates Address Hilton's Jail Time Posted Jun 17th 2007 7:42 AM byDMZ Staff
Presidential hopefuls Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama took time out of their busy schedule to share their views on Paris Hilton's incarceration. While waving to the crowd from inside a limousine, our on-the-spot correspondent Mylar Rex shouted "HEY HILLARY I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU AND THAT QUESTION IS ABOUT PARIS HILTON! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT HUH?" Hillary reportedly mouthed a response which we could not hear, as her windows were darkened, rolled up, and she had her head turned away from us. Somebody on the other side of her vehicle was able to read her lips, and he claims Hillary said something along the lines of "this shirt, it feels too big." Was she perhaps claiming Hilton's jail sentence was a bit too harsh? We emailed the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors asking what they would do if President Hillary Clinton were to be elected tomorrow and immediately pardon Hilton. Their response shocked us!
FROM: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! SUBJECT: Snooze the up horse amanda woke John 3:16 anal picnic
As for Obama? Our contacts spotted him using a cellphone and speaking the phrase "oh that poor girl" in to it. We do not know who he was speaking to, but it's fairly obvious who he was speaking about! We'll keep our eyes and ears peeled for any further developments.
Corbin Bernsen Posted Jun 16th 2007 9:13 PM byDMZ Staff Filed Under: Shameless Adventures in Outright Advertisements, Self Promotion, Please Pretend We're Not Getting Paid to Post This Garbage
Hey whats up guys, it's me Corbin Bernsen shouting "hey" to all you on the blogosphere! What's the temperature on your side of the Internet? Ha ha, just kidding.
I'm finishing up work on my sure to be upcoming blockbuster "Donna on Demand," a story about a washed up actor who can't get any work... until the script of his dreams comes in! It's a movie story about redemption, courage, and sa- OOPS! Ha, sorry about that, I just spilled some of my 100% Sirloin Burger available only at Jack In the Box on my keyboard. I'd be really mad now if it wasn't so darn yummy! Jack In the Box: Built the Way You Want It™!
Enabling her the ability to see objects directly behind her, Hilton's parents were sure her unique facial structure and limitless field of vision guaranteed a job as a wide receiver in the NFL. Although she routinely goes down near men, her football career has been elusive. Find out Stephen Hawkings' opinion why.
Find out what "friends" Hollywood bigwigs love to go out and party with... who knows, it might be somebody - or something - close to you! Click on in for our gallery of goods!
Stalking somebody? Let us know!
Going through a celeb's trash?
Did God speak to you about Paris Hilton in your dreams?
Have you seen a Twizzler that kind of resembled Paris Hilton?
Do you plan on suing Lindsey Lohan?
Can't stop reveling in the failure of celebrities because it makes you feel better about your sad, wasted life?
Most Popular Posts George Clooney Lost in Brad Pitt's Facial Craters
Paris Hilton Finds God; Immediately Loses Him
Oprah: Still Black
Lohan Steals Truck of Cough Syrup, Crashes
Ellen and Rosie Voted "Most Annoying Lesbians"
Did Anna Nicole Smith Have a Cervix?
Baldwins Combine to Form UltraBaldwin
Hilton Sneezes; Does She Have the Plague?
Angie Jolie Adopts Clint Howard and His Face
Jim Carrey's Career: Not Over?
Jessica Simpson to Play Thor In Upcoming Movie
Olsen Twin Discovered Trapped Inside Straw
Tom Cruise Beats Xenu Out of Daughter
Martain Lawrence to Media: "I'm Not Dead Yet!"
Chris Tucker to Media: "Me Neither!"
Leonardo DiCaprio Got Fat... But Still Not Nearly as Fat as You
Shanghai Maglev Train Drives, Parks Inside Madonna's Cavernous Vagina
Most Commented On Paris Stuck With One-Ply Toilet Paper (2139) Hasselhoff Tries for Double Cheeseburger (3172) Did Spice Girls Damage Space Station? (36128) Julia Roberts Pregnant With Boy, Girl, or Other? (17772) Anna's X-Rays Detect Bones, Body Parts (33418) Paris Hilton Claims Gaza Strip (56237) Paris Hilton Storms Parliment Building Held By Rivals (27552) FBI: Paris Hilton Had a Hand in Casino Scam (19552) Paris Hilton Detains Lebanese Police (76342) Paris Hilton Agrees to Nuclear Inspections (89824) K-Fed Seen Digging Through His Own Garbage (27721) Lindsay Lohan Collides With Her Own Shadow; is Sued (42311) Nicole Richie Spotted Partying With Tequila Worm Craig T. Anderson Vomited in "Poltergeist 2" (736211) Jennifer Aniston Weds, Murders Owen Wilson (1973) Lindsay Lohan Seen Snorting Dice, Hairpins (22415) Anna Nicole Smith's Entire Life and Career Revealed as "A Clever, Elaborate Ruse" Pulled Off By Pranksters From University of Michigan (71521)