BRIEF MESSAGE FROM JIM BAGLEADUCIA, OWNER OF "JIM
BAGLEADUCIA'S LUST BARN":
kids, this is Jim Bagleaducia, owner of Jim Bagleaducia's
Lust Barn! First off, I'd like to advise everybody to
NOT watch the investigative report show "60 Minutes"
this upcoming Sunday at 7:00 on CBS. Their show survives
by solely promoting lies and slander with absolutely
NO truth whatsoever. So don't watch the show. And if
you see trailers for the show saying something along
the lines of "investigating the crooked matchmaker
industry," don't bother watching it because it
doesn't feature me or my service, even if you hear them
specifically mention my name. You are just hearing things.
Also there are like HUNDREDS of Jim Bagleaducia's in
the phone book, so even if they did say my name, it
probably wasn't me. And TV gives you brain cancer.
you're alone on a Friday night, trying to sex up some obese
500-pound slug on the AOL "cYb3rWaR3z" chat channel.
The stench of sweat socks and decaying pizza floats throughout
your ghetto apartment, attracting hordes of roaches and houseflies.
It doesn't have to be this way. You can change. For example,
you can stop ordering pizza and instead buy hoagie sandwiches.
More importantly, you can also find the lover of your dreams...
the dreams that make a big mess, if you catch my drift. Jim
Bagleaducia's Lust Barn is here to help all you eligible bachelors
find the human being of your dreams so you may find true love,
figure out how to procreate, and spit out a couple hundred
halfwit kids. We've hooked up thousands of unwilling state
prisoners to date, so what makes you think that we can't do
the same for you? Do you believe you're better than a criminal
on death row? Do you? We here at Jim Bagleaducia's Lust Barn
don't think you are, and we promise we'll work just as hard
for you as we did for the guy who was arrested for soliciting
a yield sign. Don't believe us? Well believe the following
examples of our matchmaking successes!
MONGOL and JULIA "SAM" BURNS
Mongol was stuck in a dead-end, 9 to 5 job. His
boss made him come into work almost EVERY weekday
and was so cruel that he once punished Peter for
sleeping on the job! Peter couldn't find the time
to hunt down the woman of his dreams... until
he found Jim Bagleaducia's Lust Barn! Through
our exclusive services he was able to meet up
with Julia "Sam" Burns, a construction
worker who specialized in photocopying blueprints
for portable restrooms. On weekdays, Sam Burns
was just one of the guys, hanging around and scratching
his groinal area. However, on weekends, Julia
came out and painted the town red with desire!
We matched Julia and Peter up, and through the
miracle of "chaining their legs together
with a large metal clamp," we were able to
force them to realize they were really attracted
to each other. Now they're living happily in downtown
Kyossett City, raising three children and partying
the nights away! Oh wait, I just checked the file
folder, and it turns out they're both dead thanks
to a murder / suicide pact. Well, you know, whatever.
MASTERSON and GLENDA McNALLY
Masterson was engaged to a beautiful 22-year old supermodel
/ nuclear technician. He was earning $850,000 a year
and coming home every day to his multi-million dollar
mansion, gorgeous girlfriend, and his golden retriever
Rex. Things couldn't look any better for Alex... or
could they? Although he appeared to be incredibly happy,
we thought things could get even better for him, so
we murdered his girlfriend and burned down his house
while framing him for the homicide and arson. Alex soon
found himself in prison for 40 years to life... and
couldn't find a girlfriend anywhere! Our service came
in and swept Alex off his feet with Glenda McNally,
an 86-year old librarian with no arms. Soon it was love
at first sight, and Alex now communicates with Glenda
daily, assuming she has taken her pills that day and
doesn't think she's a duck.
NEILY and BOB REYNOLDS
really don't know what the deal is with these
two. I seem to have misplaced their folder. I
guess they love each other or some shit like that.
aren't convinced by these happy couples? God are you fucking
dense! Well take a brief look through these featured singles,
ready and willing to meet with you and participate in whatever
filthy activities get you off.
Ons: Failed magic tricks, blind women, turn signals.
Offs: The electric chair.
I'm Looking For In a Mate: I dont want no bitch
who yells at me when she catches me masturbating into
her golf shoes... (more)
I'm Looking For In a Mate: U BETTER NOT HAVE COOTIES
LOL ROFLE AND U MUST HAVE PRETTY HAIR LIKE JENNIE FROM
MATH CLASS... (more)
Ons: big fun, walks on the beach, dancing all night!
Offs: poor people.
I'm Looking For In a Mate: I am a supermodel from
New York. Ignore the photo of me, that was taken on
a bad hair day. I like modeling and eating after I...
CHILD'S ROBOT DRAWING
Ons: I am a small child's drawing of a robot.
Offs: I am a small child's drawing of a robot.
I'm Looking For In a Mate: It doesn't really matter.
Just, for God's sake, please don't drool all over me...
what in God's name are you waiting for? Hurry up and join
now so you too may meet the humaniod-shaped entity of your
dreams! Time's a-wastin' away and you're just getting one
step closer to death. Sign up now and get $10 off your next
oil change at Jiffy Lube!
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