Dr. Thorpe:There are certain nerds that complain that comics aren't taken seriously enough as an art form. In this edition of Fashion SWAT, we're going to show you why those people are idiots.
Zack:One of our readers suggested that we apply our discerning sense of style to the outlandish costumes of various super heroes and villains. Thanks for the idea, Johnathan! This issue we're going to "Biff!" and "Pow!" our way through more than a dozen of the most ridiculous hero costumes you have ever seen.
Artist: George Perez
Appearing In: Marvel Two-in-One #58
Zack: Those are some heroic sleeves. It's like he punched all the way through two ghosts.
Dr. Thorpe: He looks like a billowy disco Jesus. If you saw that guy out on the street, you wouldn't think "superhero," you'd think "this guy is going to try to sell me flowers and then talk my ear off about his weird cult."
Zack: I don't know what I would think. I would probably just stare in horror at his man-cleavage.
Dr. Thorpe: It looks like the outfit he got baptized in. Ugh, all that loose white material, imagine how it sticks to his private contours when it gets wet.
Zack: I think it's at least sweat-damp in the picture. I would imagine during the summer he'd have to hold his arms up above his head to keep those sleeves from getting caught in fans. That'll work Viking Jesus up into quite a lather.
Dr. Thorpe: I bet when he first showed his super-team his new costume, he was really excited. He was like "guys, this costume is great, it really breathes, and it gives me a really great range of motion." And his super-team sort of had to think of a delicate way to tell him that his costume was making them all really uncomfortable. That right there causes the sort of depression that makes a man grow a beard.
Zack: Not just some wussy beard either, we're talking full on clinical depression Grizzly Adams in a log cabin beard. That's the kind of beard you only see these days in caskets and police blotters. Old Hermit Aquarian either died alone with his cats or he got caught with his uniform just a bit too graphically tight around some school children.
Dr. Thorpe: Imagine that shirt on a really hot day. There's no armpit protection, so I bet the sweat just comes steadily dripping out the bottoms of his huge funnel-sleeves, and it makes two horrible little trails on the ground everywhere he walks.
Zack: And there's no way he could wash that thing either so the longer he is in uniform the wider the yellow trail down the underside of his sleeve. His super team would become intimately familiar with the phrase "body soil."
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, and it's so tight around the male areas, I really hope he has his "downstairs sweat" under control, or there's going to be some major yellowing in embarrassing places.
Zack: Three hours into his first mission it's going to look like someone smashed a Twinkie onto his codpiece.
Dr. Thorpe: We all know how a weird guy with a beard smells in general. When you combine that smell with an unwashable costume, it becomes a whole new way to vanquish foes.
Zack: Alright, so Aquarian, what do you think his super powers might be?
Dr. Thorpe: Well, judging by his name, he must have some weird new-age powers. Maybe he could unbalance the chakras of his foes. Leading to some sort of mild malaise, I guess.
Zack: I'm thinking he has no superpowers but he puts his uniform to good use by swinging his arms around for the soundtrack of kung fu movies. You know that loud whipping flag sound whenever monks start fighting? That's Aquarian.
Dr. Thorpe: Maybe he thwarts his enemies with really disappointing horoscopes. "Today is NOT a good day for evil plans."
Zack: Maybe he just says something really really far out and, like, totally blows your mind, man.
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, or maybe he just leaves pubey little beard hairs in your comb.
Zack: "Like what if atoms are really universes, just like on a different scale?" Then the other people on his team can throw a boomerang at your or something while you ponder that one.
Dr. Thorpe: Maybe he can just mellow people out with his blazing contact high.
Zack: It's like going to a Dave Matthews Band Concert. His teammates are "that guy in an abercrombie shirt and the two fat girls he's with"
Dr. Thorpe: And, for example, Dr. Doom might look at the situation and say "I'm pretty sure he's having sex with that girl with him, and she's like fifteen, which is really creepy," and there you have it, Dr. Doom is defeated THE AQUARIAN WAY.
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.