Appearing In: Crack Comics
Dr. Thorpe: He's about as un-condor-like as you could possibly get. Look at him swarming around those spotlights. He's obviously a purple moth.
Zack: Are those spotlights? I thought someone was shooting pool and there was a bug on the table.
Dr. Thorpe: According to Black Condor's bio, he's a senator who was raised by condors in Mongolia, and he learned to fly by watching them. By watching condors, that is, not by watching other senators.
Zack: Ah, well that makes sense, that's exactly how I learned to fuse atoms. I just stared at the sun for a couple weeks.
Dr. Thorpe: I learned to photosynthesize by watching my lawn.
Zack: Somehow I don't think the real condors would be too happy with his bio. "We don't look anything like that. Do we? Do we?!"
Dr. Thorpe: I don't think condors use that much Nair. And even a condor has better taste than to wear shorts that short.
Zack: It also says in his bio that Black Condor crafted his wings from a pair of a giant woman's panties.
Dr. Thorpe: He appeared in something called "Crack Comics," which is a series based on the horrifying drug-dreams of its creators.
Zack: In this issue Black Condor takes down Cirque De Plano, the world's most flamboyant fighter pilot.
Dr. Thorpe: He's going to shoot him with his wrinkly-phallus-blaster. Cirque De Plano is saying "No, please spare my big meaty fused-together hand!"
Dr. Thorpe: "It belongs in a museum!"
Zack: Those leather shorts make me wonder if he has a sidekick. The Red Bottom? The Flying Twink? Oily Lad?
Dr. Thorpe: The Leaping Fairy? The Pink Bum? Or maybe he'd be more into The Leather Bear.
Zack: I like how he was raised by condors yet he becomes a US Senator. I wish the real senate worked like that. I would like to see Joe Biden suddenly try to take Tom DeLay's eyes out with his razor sharp talons.
Dr. Thorpe: Stock footage of the Capitol would probably always show a few senators flying around in casual circles above the dome.
Zack: I'm sure CSPAN would enjoy an incredible surge in market share, although that would probably level off when the Senate Parliamentarian includes a rule prohibiting senators from attaching razorblades to their dewclaws.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.