Dr. Thorpe: Is she pointing at one of those silicon sample breast implants? "See this? This is what they put inside me when I became a woman."
Zack: I think it might be one of those paperweights with like a leaf sealed in Lucite.
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, I think you're right, and she's pointing at it because it's the most interesting thing in her life.
Zack: At least she's well-equipped with that sword in case she has to fight off any decorative goblins.
Dr. Thorpe: I'm sure she could just head butt them to death with that formidable brow of hers. She's got the t-zone of a Golden Gloves champ.
Zack: I always wondered why goats were so closely associated with the demonic. If they're so evil why do we stock our petting zoos with them?
Dr. Thorpe: We also stock our petting zoos with turkeys, and any grown man who's ever been chased by a turkey will testify that those things are fucking scary. And I feel no shame in admitting that I am one such man.
Zack: Maybe, but I usually don't associate magical cosmic evil with putting a quarter in one of those machines that dispenses pellets into a paper cup.
Dr. Thorpe: Well, I also don't associate the gothic lifestyle with Spencer Gifts, but clearly some people do.
Zack: Coincidentally the gothic lifestyle, penis candles, and those glowing fiber optic hedgehogs are all closely related.
Zack: I think the satanic animal should be Canada geese. Those things will chase you for blocks hissing at you like snakes and they are never friendly.
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, and Satan will wake you up at 6AM with his honking.
Zack: I noticed that crystal ball of hers does not contain an image of her getting a GED.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.