Dr. Thorpe: Is she pointing at one of those silicon sample breast implants? "See this? This is what they put inside me when I became a woman."
Zack: I think it might be one of those paperweights with like a leaf sealed in Lucite.
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, I think you're right, and she's pointing at it because it's the most interesting thing in her life.
Zack: At least she's well-equipped with that sword in case she has to fight off any decorative goblins.
Dr. Thorpe: I'm sure she could just head butt them to death with that formidable brow of hers. She's got the t-zone of a Golden Gloves champ.
Zack: I always wondered why goats were so closely associated with the demonic. If they're so evil why do we stock our petting zoos with them?
Dr. Thorpe: We also stock our petting zoos with turkeys, and any grown man who's ever been chased by a turkey will testify that those things are fucking scary. And I feel no shame in admitting that I am one such man.
Zack: Maybe, but I usually don't associate magical cosmic evil with putting a quarter in one of those machines that dispenses pellets into a paper cup.
Dr. Thorpe: Well, I also don't associate the gothic lifestyle with Spencer Gifts, but clearly some people do.
Zack: Coincidentally the gothic lifestyle, penis candles, and those glowing fiber optic hedgehogs are all closely related.
Zack: I think the satanic animal should be Canada geese. Those things will chase you for blocks hissing at you like snakes and they are never friendly.
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, and Satan will wake you up at 6AM with his honking.
Zack: I noticed that crystal ball of hers does not contain an image of her getting a GED.
‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.
Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.
No lifeguard on duty. Maze run at your own risk.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.